Amber's Blah

WOW...long time

2006-03-12T21:15:00.000-08:00

So...it's been forever since I blogged...probably because I have become a MYSPACE addict thanks to Jules introducing me to it.

I jumped on to check the blog of my dear friend Rebecca and it made me realize I need to keep up my blog better...atleast now and then so she can keep tabs on me =-) and it also made me realize how much I miss her. She used to live in Seattle...just an hour or so drive away, but now she is in the Denver area...not just a drive away...and I miss her. I'm hoping to be able to go visit her sometime in 2007 (yes I like to plan ahead). It would be awesome if Chris, Kylee and myself could go on a road trip...but if that doesn't happen maybe I can fly over for a long weekend of fun. Miss ya Bec!

I felt like blogging...because for the first time in a long time...I kind of feel at ease with things in my life that seemed to be spinning out of control before. There are toys spread out across my house...that I often trip on, the dishes are not done, the table I worked so hard to clean off is full of stuff already, I have a ton of work to do in the morning, I have a ton of phone calls to make tomorrow, my floors aren't clean, the laundry isn't done, my husband's lunch isn't made, the litter box needs to be cleaned, something might be wrong with my car, my furnace is about to die on me, and the junk I needed to put away on the counter from a week ago...is still there...but that is okay. Do you know why it's okay...it just is...the world isn't going to end because my floors are dirty. I need to stress less is my epiphany of the day.

I had an AWESOME weekend with my husband. His 27th birthday was Friday...we celebrated by having dinner with family at his favorite place to eat, then we dropped off Kylee with my mom and headed home for a big weekend of surprise fun. Saturday started by getting up early cause I was so excited. We had breakfast in Tacoma, took an hour long ferry ride from Bremerton to Seattle (neither of us had done since we were little), then visited the Ballard Locks, had lunch at Anthony's Homeport on Shilshole Bay, then drove to Maryville where we stayed at the local Best Western, did some shopping at the Seattle Premium Outlets, then hit the Tulalip Casino for dinner and some gambling...and once again...we didn't win. However, it was okay cause we enjoyed each other for the first time in a long time I think. It felt like old times...and it felt really nice to come to the realization...we really do love each other still. I know that sounds bad, but sometimes we take each other for granted and don't realize what a great thing we have. We get so busy with the business of day to day life we forget about appreciating what we have infront of us.

We picked up our little girl we missed dearly and were home by noon. We spent the rest of the day watching Nascar and doing little things around the house. My hubby and roomie installed a new chandalier (?spell) above the kitchen table...wow it puts out light...but it looks great. I was hoping to pick up the house today...cause a 1 1/2 year old is sometimes hard to keep up with...but I didn't get to it...oh well...there is always tomorrow.

I am a busy girl in the upcoming weeks. I am soooo looking forward to my Baptism taking place at Easter Vigil Mass on April 15...but before then we have many exciting things taking place in preparation for Baptism. I have been taking classes and looking forward to the coming days for a year now. WOW...time flies when you are having fun. I can't imagine my life without the people and support of St. Michael Parish...and the faith that has built within in me in this last year. I am so looking forward to the upcoming events.

Friday is St. Patricks Day...cool it falls on a Friday...but rather than going out I think we'll be at home moving furniture since we are getting our carpets cleaned Saturday morning. We were supposed to go to a going away party for Chris's cousin Saturday (she is going to Italy for 3 months for school), but that might be a no go...so maybe we'll just watch Harry Potter and Walk the Line.

Busy week ahead for work...have a good week all!

Just Feel Like Blogging

2005-12-08T14:57:00.000-08:00

I just feel like blogging. The coming weeks...what am I talking about...the coming months are busy. Do you ever wonder how are lives get so packed with so much to do? We have things going on every weekend from now until February...no joke. I think I'll make it a goal to in 2006 to always schedule one weekend a month for nothing...meaning no plans can be made...cause 2005 seemed to always have something. (ya, we'll see if 2006 is any different).

I haven't felt like working this week, although there is plenty to do. My brain is overwhelmed with thinking about how I am going to get things done before Christmas. We get so frantic planning and thinking about things we sometimes forget to sit back and enjoy this time of the year. So...I am trying to lay back a bit more...still thinking...but calmly.

My mom is coming down to go to mass with me tonight. It's the Feast of the Immaculate Conception of Mary (I think just a Catholic Church thing), so we are going to head there as soon as she gets to our house. Hmm...wonder if I need to make her something for dinner that she can eat in the car, cause we gots to go as soon as she gets there. I missed mass on Sunday, so it'll be nice to go tonight. It will give me an extra ounce of peace in the week.

This weekend is going to fly. We are going to get our Christmas tree...and my moms and grandparents on Saturday. We go to a tree farm in Rainier (the town, not the mountain) and cut down fresh trees. It's become a tradition for the last few years. Chris, myself, and Josh always have fun doing it. It's kinda cute when you think about it...they follow me around the tree farm waiting for me to find the perfect tree...then I change my mind...we look some more...they follow some more...then they cut down the tree I find and all is good. They tease me the whole time to pick a tree, but I know they like romping around out there.

After getting the trees we'll head down to drop off the others at my mom's place. After that we are going to do some Christmas shopping, grocery shopping, Costco, Wal-Mart or Target, then pick up our daugther...since granmda Mary is watching her while we do all this running around.

Things with Chris and I are going quite well. He is "sort of" following the chore list...although I am guilty of "sort of" following the chore list. It's more of a guideline to know what we need to do that week. We both HATE unloading the dishwasher. Don't ask me why, neither of us like to do it, so now it depends on whose week it is...same goes for the litter box and stuff like that. I am just thankful we are getting along almost 2 weeks now without a blow up. Perhaps Rebecca was saying some really really strong prayers for me (wink wink)...if so I am very thankful.

Chris just called to say he was on his way home...he is down cause his check is smaller due to missing 3 days...2 for Thanksgiving (no holiday pay) and a day because of the snow...and they found out no Christmas bonus. So...I can tell he is poopy because we have been struggling a bit financially the last couple weeks. All I can do is try to be peppy and make him realize it is okay, we can have fun at home and enjoy this time of the year w/o a bunch of money.

I better get back to work. Hope all is well...blog ya later =-)

Seahawks ROCK!

2005-12-05T21:48:00.000-08:00

The Seahawks ROCK! They totally stomped on the Eagles tonight...for Monday night football. Maybe stomped is an understatement???

Live Your Dash

2005-12-03T22:20:00.000-08:00

Today at the funeral for Marty...the pastor really made me think about something...even Chris commented on it.

Ya know how when you look at a grave or tombstone it has your birthday and your date of death...say 1/1/60 - 2/1/05...did ya ever wonder why they put the dash in the middle? Most people just say it separates the dates. Did you ever realize that dash is a lifetime...a lifetime whatever you make of it. God put us on this earth to live the dash. Marty totally lived the dash.

We heard story upon story upon story about Marty's life, how he loved family, loved friends, loved working hard, strived for excellence, how he loved woodworking, about generous things he has done, how every year he went to Yakima to pick fruit so he could can it and have it for the coming year and give to others, and how everyone in his family loved his buttermilk pancakes, how he used to make the kids go to church with their mom while he stayed home to get the pancakes ready, how he built homes for people, how he built cabins for his family, how he kept up with the news and politics, and how he had an awesome sense of humor, and how he did everything with a smile, how he had been married 51 years, how he loved his kids and grandkids and how they loved and admired him back, how he always made everyone feel welcomed in his life. Marty lived the dash.

Hearing about Marty's life today made me want to live my dash. I want my life to be one that people look back on and say...wow...she really lived her life...what a fruitful life she had...Amber lived her dash...and she lived it well. I want the same thing for Chris and the same thing for my children. I want to make sure we live our dash to the fullest in the best way we can.

Long Day

2005-12-03T21:50:00.000-08:00

Wow...has it really been almost a month since I posted a blog? Yup...almost.

Today was a long day. It started around 6:30am when my alarm was going off and I was hitting the snooze wondering why on earth my alarm was set in the first place. Chris rolls over and tells me I better get moving since I have already hit the snooze too many times. Then I think...oh ya...we have to be in Lakewood for the funeral at 9:00am.

Another death in 2005...it's like number 5 or 6 for people we know this year. Today we laid to rest Marty Overland...a super close friend of Chris's family. See if you can follow this...Chris's dad is Hal...Hal's sister is Tina...Tina was married to Kevin for over 10 years...Kevin's dad is Marty. So...for all those years that Tina and Kevin were married Chris's family was part of their family and continued to be after Tina and Kevin were divorced. Tina and Kevin had Karley and Colin (Chris's cousins)...whose grandfather was Marty. Do you follow...basically Marty was family to Chris and his family and I have become close to the entire family since being with Chris over 8 years.

Every Memorial Day and most Labor Days we go camping at Alder Lake with Marty's family...he and his wife Mary have 5 kids and they all have kids. I have camped with the Overlands since 1998 and we attend family functions of theirs and vice versa, they were all at our wedding, they are like an extended family...you get the picture. So...todays funeral was like losing a grandfather to Chris. He had a really hard time. As soon as we sat down Karley (Chris's cousin, it was her grandpa) came walking towards us and started crying...and so did we cause we felt her loss. I didn't really know what to say to her...so I just hugged her and tried to talk about something else. Karley is a pretty quiet girl, but she's come out of her shell a bit lately...it was hard to see her so emotional and hurting.

So many people who have become part of my life since knowing Chris were there...and so many were in tears. Chris's sister was behind us sobbing as if it was her grandfather. It's so hard to hear songs like "Amazing Grace" when someone has passed, it just hits your core. Marty and his 4 brothers all served in WWII, and all survived, so Marty received the military honors, and let me tell you...I don't know if there was a dry eye when they played "Tapps" and folded the flag and handed it to Marty's wife Mary. A couple of his kids spoke as well as his grandchildren and I kept thinking...oh gosh...we're going to have to do this for my gramps soon. Chris and I were emotional over this...how will I handle my own grandfather.

After the speaking and what not they opened the caskett and allowed people to say their last goodbyes before we headed outside for the graveside service. Neither Chris nor I could go up...I just couldn't bare to do it after seeing my 7 year old cousin Brianna laying in her caskett in May. It tore me apart and I didn't want to live that memory again...I just didn't want to go there. Chris has lost both of his grandfathers in the last 9 years and it was just too much for him. He cried through almost the entire service in the chapel.

It became very clear to me how important Marty was to my family...to Chris, to Hal, to Mary, and to Amy. Chris's tough dad was crying...tears were rolling down his face. This is something I have rarely seen of my father-in-law...except the day when Chris, his mom, and myself went to get him at work on March 3, 1999 to tell him his father had passed away...that is the only other time I have seen him cry. It became clear to me how many more memories they had of Marty and what a big role he had actually played in their lives...bigger than I had imagined.

After the chapel service we then went to the graveside...where again we said final prayers and as a family in one huge hug we said goodbye. Chris was totally losing it...he was crying and I could see his hands quiverring. The memory of his grandfathers and their life and passing seeming so present to him...so fresh...several years ago I just stood there and held him tight...trying to be his rock...cause he needed to let those tears go...and today I needed to be his rock.

After the graveside service we went to the Tacoma Elks for a gathering...to eat basically and watch the continuous slide show of Marty's life. What did I learn today? Marty Overland was a man who loved his family dearly, he loved his friends dearly, and was an honorable hard working man with a joy for many things. Over and over we heard people say how important his family and friends were and what a hard worker he was. Marty lived life...he lived life to the fullest.

Marty lived his dash well. See the next blog for dash explanations. Peace be with you Marty.

happy thanksgiving

2005-11-26T20:20:00.000-08:00

Ambs...hope you had a great thanksgiving! it was great to talk with you the other day and i'm thankful for you, that's for sure. you truly blessed me on my birthday and i'm truly thankful for all that you've done for me. i hope you can get the same from me when it's your turn! :)

Anyway. I hope things are going well...

Miss you girl!

One of those nights

2005-11-09T21:55:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have one of those nights where you feel like nothing else could go wrong? I am pretty much in tears just typing that. I feel alone...and it's not even PMS week.

My mom was sorta nice today, but on the same time lecturing me about stuff I didn't care to listen to her lecture me about. She just had this tone...and all I wanted to do was hang up on her.

My dad had an attitude with me and seemed to care less if I called him this evening or not.

Kylee took several steps today and it appeared as though she were going to be walking all over...but she didn't...she stopped. Of course Chris made me feel like I was exaggerating and that she wasn't walking.

Do we dare touch the subject of Chris. He about drove me crazy this evening. I don't understand why he speaks so rudely to me...I didn't do anything to deserve it. He says I didn't do anything to tick him of...so what's with the attitude. I tried to talk to him. I tried to find out what was bugging him. I tried to be nice. I tried...it's so frustrating.

Do you ever just feel like people could care less about how you feel.

It was upsetting me to see our roomie play with Kylee and have such a glimmer in his eye...while to Chris it appears to be a chore. Just makes me sad. I know he loves her, but I wish he had the same twinkle.

The bathroom is going to be a full on project. Thankfully my roomie is willing and able to complete the task.

My job is boring and I am stuck there for now. Just when I think I am ready to work in the office again I question if I am ready to leave Kylee. She is my joy.

The chore list for Chris and I is already a failure. He did it the first day and sort of the second day. Today he couldn't give a crap.

I guess I am just feeling like a downer today. Geez...Jules goes to NYC for 3 days and I fall to pieces. It just makes me appreciate her way more...love ya girl!

I wanna cry, but I don't feel like defending myself to Chris and explaining what is bothering me yet again, just for him to be mad.

Will this cycle ever end? Or...is this my life. Two weeks ago he was determined to try...and now...already back to where we were. I even pointed that out...he just looked at me with this blank look...and made his hand into a a little yapping mouth sign. Nice huh.

Perhaps today was just a bad fricken day. Hopefully I can wake up with a smile...no sink...but a smile.

Definately not a typical morning in our house...

2005-11-09T09:33:00.000-08:00

This morning...I am sitting here working...I hear this loud BANG/FALL/CRACK from the other side of the house...louder than when the shower caddy happens to fall and crash down. Then I hear this spraying noise/scribbly noise like a TV with no signal or whatever. I go walking through the house looking for a TV that might have fallen down. Oh no...not a TV...the bathroom sink in my room fell off the wall and the tube thing came off and water was spraying EVERYWHERE!

So now...imagine Amber...the idiot girl I am running in circles cussing not knowing how to turn the fricken water off. What do I do? I call dad frantic asking how to turn the fricken water off...he tells me to turn the knob below the F..g sink (in his head he is going, STUPID WOMAN, turn the fricken knob). I couldn't get the knob to turn...so dad is yelling at Chris to get the hell home his house is flooding...then I get it to shut off, he tells Chris nevermind, and there I stand in a bunch of fricken water. Then picture me sitting in the middle of water trying to soak it up...crying...cause what the hell...now what. I got water and wet towels everywhere, it's going into my bedroom carpet, and there are sink pieces all over.

Oh to the joy of being home owners.

I guess tonight we'll be shopping for a new sink and maybe some new bathroom flooring and what not. GRRRRREAT!

I feel the need...the need....for speed!....Not really...just the need to vent!

2005-11-06T22:26:00.000-08:00

So...I feel the need to vent about some stuff...do you have your seatbelts on...this is going to be a long one. It's not all venting...some is good.

1. I had a great time shopping with Jules on Friday (I totally don't mind holding your purse, bags, or getting you different sizes, just part of being friends). I think it's good for me to go shopping with you cause it makes me want to feel better about myself and work my butt off at the gym. It was nice to meet Becky, she seems like a fun girl. I have a feeling I'll be seeing her again sometime...probably another volleyball game. Of course it was nice to see Mr. Alba again...and I promise it won't be almost 6 years again before we see each other...I guarantee it. The volleyball and company was great! I can't wait for the next home game on Nov 18.

2. I had an interview on Saturday with the Olympia Macy's store. I was offered the job, accepted, but now in retrospect I am not sure it's what I actually want. My mom pointed out a few things that really made me think (damn I hate it when our moms are right sometimes). Chris and I make decent money that neither of us should have to work a second job...so that means we should probably take a closer look at how we are spending money. The homily at church today made me realize, maybe we shouldn't always want more, maybe we should be greatful for what we have and not always want, want, want. Not that wanting isn't okay, but maybe I should just be thankful to have food, clothes on my back, shelter, water, love, family, friends, and not want so much more. So...I really want to be able to do what I want over the holiday season, not work on the weekends, be away from my family and friends, away from my little girl. So...maybe it means I don't get to buy all the Christmas presents I want this year, but maybe that is okay...atleast Kylee doesn't understand yet. It will be hard...cause I do like to give give give give...and over give...but atleast I could spend time with my family and friends. Also, it's not fair for Macy's to hire me and for me not to be a good employee because I really don't want to be there. I'm just not feeling it. I think Chris will be disappointed because that means no extra money...cause I know he likes that idea...but I guess this is one time where I realize money isn't the most important thing.

So...dear friends...what do you think I should do?

3. Hanging out with friends this weekend really made me realize how important it is to have those bonds...those relationships...outside of hanging out with my husband and roomie...it is totally necessary to live life beyond. It was awesome to see Julia on Friday and again on Saturday without wondering "when will be the next time I see her"...because I am going to make sure I see her again SOON!

4. I am going to miss Jules while she is in NY. I know I can just pick up my cell phone and call her, but I probably won't because I know she'll be having a blast in NY...blowing away those NY executives. I am already getting geared up for the 3 hour phone call when she gets home so she can tell me all about her 3 day experience. I can't wait!

5. Chris is still being "nice" to me since our little whatever squabble we had the week before last. He was even offered to go get Jules some popcorn last night at the movies. I guess it's okay he is trying. (NO JULIA...YOU ARE NOT GOING WITH HIM...SIT YOUR BUTT DOWN...WINK WINK...in other words...girl you better sit your butt down so I can talk to you while he goes to get popcorn). I put together a list of chores for the house and split it up on a spreadsheet for Chris and myself so he knows what he should do and I can't get mad if he does everything on his list. I think it's fair. I do more than him, but the things I do more are okay with me. We'll see how long it lasts or if he even does it. He slacked on the niceness a little today...kinda made me wonder if the "phase" of nice was over, but then he apologized a big later when he realized what he had said was rude.

6. Speaking of the movies...Jar Head was awesome. It made me think of so many different things. My cousin's husband has gone to Iraq twice for the current war...and I was just picturing him there walking through the desert...wondering what his family was doing while he is in the desert fighting for his country. Wow. It made me realize how hard it is for troops to be over there. The effects in the movie were great and Jake and Jaime were great. I wanted to cry after Jake almost shot the guy in the glasses. You knew he was trying so hard not to cry and say I'm sorry. I almost lost it. It was good...most likely one for the DVD collection...what to you think Mr. Alba?

7. My dad called to say my sister had to move out of her place today. The lease was up and she can't afford it because her husband isn't giving her any money (they are separated) and is threatening to take their daugther away from her (their son already lives with him). It's a long story...some of you know it. My sister and her husband are still married (needed a divorce years ago), but they can't seem to get the money together to get it done. It's such a mess. The sad part was she didn't even call her family to ask for help. Why doesn't she realize that is a big part of family...being able to ask for help. My dad said she put everything in storage yesterday, but has no where to go. She can't find a place because no one will let her have a big dog and a cat...and she won't get rid of them. Part of me wanted to tell her I'd take the dog until she gets a place, but at the same time...should I let her come to me. She isn't one to ask for help, but I think she needs to wake up and get her crap together. This bull has been going on for years. Such a mess. I guess I can't complain about Chris when I think about what an ass her husband is...makes me ill.

8. Yup...I miss Mr. Alba...not going to elaborate on that one. He claims to be psychic and know me pretty well per his myspace comment...so I don't have to put anything else...he knows.

9. Did I mention Julia is an awesome friend...ya might have caught onto that somewhere up above since I mention her in many blurbs. I'm getting excited for her to have her own place so I can just go hang with her. We can have Scene It and Scrabble wars and not worry about sister-in-laws, brothers, or husbands being around.

10. I have kind of taken on this idea of being "myself" and doing things I want to do...just cause I want to. So there!

I feel better already. Let me know what you think about the Macy's thing...it's all I have been thinking about today...and other stuff obviously, but the Macy's think is buggin' me.

I love you my friends! Thanks for a great weekend! I miss you already! Jules...have a fricken BLAST in NY!

I gotta say it was a good day

2005-11-01T20:54:00.000-08:00

I think Becca thinks I have gone looney...she is going to be calling me.

Today was a pretty good day. Besides wasting my time driving to Tacoma to sit with the QA person...it was good. There were hardly any commercial insurances in the whole department, so the chick sat with me for one patient (which was an easy one) and then said she would take a break and for me to see if I could round up another patient. She never came back, so I just left at 10:30. Oh well...atleast I got out of the house for awhile.

Chris was home by 10:00am because the overnight and morning rain made it too muddy in Dupont and they didn't have all the permits she needed. He spent some time cleaning up the garage and cleaning the inside of our cars. He's still acting nice today, so maybe his better attitude contributed to my good day.

I hit the gym today and felt wonderful! In fact I seemed to have all kinds of energy even after my workout. I did 45 minutes of cardio, burnt 600 calories, 500 crunches, and weight for my arms, legs, and booty.

When I came home from the gym Chris's parents had dropped off Kylee. His mom has Tuesdays off and spent all day with Kylee...quality time. She came crawling to me so fast when I walked in the door. I know she was gone less than 24 hours, but I missed her. She kept wanting to give me kisses.

I think I am going to go wash my face and relax in bed...watch Amazing Race and Nip/Tuck. I feel kind of tired...so maybe I'll actually SLEEP tonight rather than toss and turn.

Talk to you all soon!

Phone call

2005-11-01T12:14:00.000-08:00

Be expecting one soon, my dear friend...
Any preference when I call?

Tuesday...table for two

2005-11-01T08:15:00.000-08:00

Yuck foo...I have to go into work today so some QA lady can sit and watch me work for an hour...she is sitting with each rep to see if they are auditing us on the appropriate things. I am confident I know how to do my job, but when someone sits there and analyzes every little thing you do...it's kinda nerve racking. Oh well, it'll be over soon.

Today is "All Saints Day" in the Catholic Church...it's like a day of holy obligation. I am supposed to go to mass today...there is a 9:00am mass, not making that one...a noon mass, I could possibly go there since Mary has Kylee today...and there is a 7:00pm mass, which we know is going to be packed with all the people who just got off of work. I don't really feel like going, but I probably should go and learn what All Saints Day is about since it's kinda part of the journey. I wonder if my stepmom is going...hmmm. The Advent season is starting soon...I think that will provide me with a lot of learning.

Gotta get my booty in the gym today too! 45 minutes of cardio, arms, and 500 crunches...here I come!

Have a great day ya'all.

Cute but Psycho

2005-10-31T00:05:00.000-08:00

Cute but Psycho. I got a silly t-shirt that said this on Friday...why you ask...cause Chris and Josh always tell me I am psycho...so I thought I'd wear it on Halloween =-)

Maybe I am psycho...why...cause I married Chris...DUH! Jules told me I married the wrong guy (no mention of who I should have married...COUGH COUGH). We both know where I'd be if I would not have married Chris...anyone have any ideas????? We all KNOW...don't we...it's like this unspoken thing. Is there a rewind button in life...you go back...make a change...then forward to current...anyone invented that yet?

DAMN!!! DAMN!!! DAMN!!! What was I thinking!!!! I should have kissed him FIVE years ago!!!! DAMN!!! DAMN!!! DAMN!!! < < < < < < see...psycho LOL (Jules is probably going...Amber...what are you on tonight?) LOL

What the hell! Can someone please explain to me why little birdies don't fly down and swoop us out of the wrong choices. I know I know...cause then we wouldn't learn anything. Oh bird poop on that.

I hate what ifs? What ifs are keeping me up at night...and I think I must be tired cause I am in the mood to just ramble on and on about fricken WHAT IF!

LOL...I'm just sitting here thinking I should pay some chick to seduce Chris so it would be easy to leave. (Now is where Becca is thinking I have lost my mind). Does anyone out there realize how much it sucks to waste 8 years with someone when the right one was standing infront of you five years ago. OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay...now that I have totally embarassed myself and you all think I am crazy...I think I'll go to bed. I'll be expecting an email from Jules in the morning asking me what I am on =-) I'm not on anything...just being honest and putting it all out there...no need to hide it.

Good night again. I promise I'll be non-crazy tomorrow. Miss ya spark...can you tell...LOL

On the upper side

2005-10-30T23:50:00.000-08:00

On the up side...I am exicted for this week. I felt really good working out last week...I kept my mind on one thing...it's a secret =-) I cannot reveal my motivation. I won't be able to go tomorrow cause we are running our little bumble bee around to say trick or treat at all of the grandparents houses...4 total. So...I'll bust my booty at Bally's Tues-Thurs and Sat and Sun.

I'm thinking about getting my hair trimmed and highlighted this week. I'm not liking it short anymore...so back to growing it out..hence just the trim. I always feel better after I get my hair fixed..so that will be nice.

I am sooooo looking forward to Friday. I get to spend some time with my WONDERFUL friend Julia...perhaps I can get a hommie hook up...j/k GIRL...I'll pay full price if I must...Just make sure to bring me a "I HEART NY" shirt =-) Hopefully we can find her some suits for her trip to New York the next week and I need to get a holiday dress for Kylee. We are going to see the UW Volleyball team WIN! They are 20-0 for the season, 30-2 overall, and 11-0 in the Pac-10. GO DAWGS!

I know what Jules and Mr. Alba are thinking...isn't there anything else exciting happening on Friday. Hmm...let me think...hmm...well...hmm...what else could be happening on Friday that I forgot to mention. OHHHH that's right...Mr. Alba is meeting us at the volleyball game. Am I excited? Hmm...ya DUH. I'm a little nevous. I really miss him...and I know he is reading this right now...so my face would be getting all red...especially my ears if he were infront of me. I warned him...I may hug him really tight and not let go? Then what...then he'd look like a dork walking around with some chick hanging on him all night. I just really miss him and I realize it more and more.

Chris was trying to guilt trip me tonight about going to the volleyball game w/o him and Josh. Didn't work. I am not giving up a fun night with Jules and Mr. Alba. Nope. I haven't seen Mr. Alba in like 5 years. I miss him too much! I'm beginning to think it's not natural to miss someone so much =-) I think we'll have a fun night.

Sweet dreams my friends! Let's all have a good week!

The Usual Recap

2005-10-30T23:18:00.000-08:00

Well...I just spent like 20 minutes recapping the weekend...hit a button my mistake...and poof the mini-book I wrote was gone. CRAP! I don't feel like typing all that again. So..let's summarize.

- The weekend was good overall, spent time chatting with Julia and Mr. Alba. They both openend my eyes up to some things.
- Chris and Josh went hunting and I had the house to myself for 48 hours
- I saw HOTTIE Chris (Safeway checker...DROOL) on Saturday while I was on the phone with Julia and kept blanking on what she had just said to me, especially when he walked by and said hi. Jules and I will have to frequent Safeway when she is in town. Tee hee.
- I have a feeling Ursulla will call me this week, I hope so, so I can let her know what I really think of her situation with KC and that she shouldn't be calling Julia asking her to have me call her. Get a damn phone book. I think I will also let her know she needs a place of her own to grow up and get a little independence.
- Spent two hours tonight trying to do some work I should have finished on Friday. I've been slacking, so I will have to make up for it tomorrow.
- Missed church Sunday cause I didn't feel good and was exhausted...napped for 2 and a half hours...and I am not a napper...so I must have been tired.

Chris and Josh got home around 2:00pm. Chris was being all lovey dovey...kept wanting to be all kissy poo with me. I sent him a text message last night saying "Stop and think...be true to yourself...do you actually miss me?" I asked him if he got it and he said yes...and that he really did miss me. I told him maybe he was confusing missing Kylee with missing me...that really he just missed her. He said no...he missed us both. Whatever is how I felt...cause I don't know that I really missed "him". It was kinda nice not having to worry about pleasing him all weekend.

Julia and Mr. Alba pretty much agree I am on the fence right now...just waiting for Chris to push me over my limit...I'm waiting for him to make the wrong move. There are days where I wish he'd make it easy for me and leave me first...but why when he has the perfect maid living with him right? I told Jules if I ever did leave I would need some serious support from friends and family so I wouldn't let Chris talk me into something I don't want...cause he is good at that. He is the king of guilt trips...whether he knows it or not. I'm not a quitter...so I won't just give up...but if some serious changes don't take place...maybe there won't be an Amber and Chris anymore...sad...but true. I refuse to be unahppy my whole life.

I think I told Mr. Alba...I don't want to just exist...I want to live life. Chris is happy just existing...but not me. It's do or die time Mr. Ryan.

Oh my aching booty

2005-10-27T20:47:00.000-07:00

I feel pretty good right now...I went to the gym and did 45 minutes of cardio, some arm weights, and 500 crunches. I did the same thing on Tuesday...my booty hurts...not that you wanted to know that.

Gramps is doing pretty good...might come home tomorrow. Apparently his Medicare says he has to go home, he cannot go to a rehab place, so it looks like my grams, my mom, and my Aunt Tina are going to have to be his main caretakers. It's going to be a long road to recovery for him.

Chris is going hunting this weekend...it figures...since Julia will be busy all weekend and I have nothing to do because I am that sad and don't have other friends to hang with. Oh well, we'll have a blast at the UW volleyball game on Nov 4.

Gramps Update

2005-10-23T20:25:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know, my grandpa fell and broke his hip last Tuesday. He didn't think it was broken until Tuesday night when he had my mom call an ambulance for him. We waited on Wednesday to hear from the cardiologist to see if doing surgery was safe, but nothing was resolved. Come Thursday gramps had pneumonia, so they had to pump him full of antiobiotics before surgery.

On Friday morning it was still unknown if he would have surgery due to we had not heard from the cardiologist. I was in the office for a meeting and had two voicemails after the meeting. One from my mom saying to call her ASAP and one from my cousin Tracy saying she was on her way to the hospital. If Tracy is leaving work to come down...something was up. I of course freak out wondering what is happening.

The cardiologist said doing the surgery was VERY risky and he could very likely not make it...so the whole family went to the hospital to see him before the surgery. We do as we always do...get through things with our sarcastic senses of humor. It was hard to see gramps looking so ill and so out of it. The drugs they had him on really made him out of it. Marni kept tearing up and I had to just walk away or I'd start. Chris was even tearing up...brings up a lot of emotions for him from when he lost his grandfathers.

Anyhow...grandpa did make it through the surgery quite well. He had to be in the ICU until Sunday morning, but is now in a normal room. I was so scared. Aunt Tina looked at Marni and I at one point and asked what we thought...what did our gut say...we both said we had a bad feeling...good thing we were wrong. We got him over another hurdle...surgery at the age of 84 with a bad heart, bad lungs, bad liver, and failing kidneys.

He should be coming home this week. My mom said they showed them how to care for him as his hop heals...it is going to be a tough recovery for him. He was already so non-mobile, this is going to be hard on him and his caretakers...which are my grams, my mom, Aunt Tina, and Uncle Kevin. It's going to be tough.

I was scared...just plain scared to lose him...he's always been like a 2nd dad to me. I sat there in the waiting room and got sick to my stomach...wondering if that doctor was going to come around the corner and tell us all they lost him. I was scared...in a way I haven't been for a long time. My grandma...she is such a trooper. She never showed any weakness, just a few wipes of the nose after they took gramps to surgery.

Sigh...now onto the next thing...tomorrow is Aunt Martha's funeral. I hope my mom can hold it together or it will be tough...I think she'll do okay though. It was a blessing Aunt Martha went...she was suffering like no one should have to.

I'm not working tomorrow, but Chris is working until about 11:00am...then to Lakewood we go for the 1:00pm funeral. GULP. This is the 4th person my family has lost this year...and the last 3 were in October...bad month for our family I guess.

Blogging? What's blogging?

2005-10-18T20:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond to anything you've posted -- it's been a zoo around here...

Amber...thanks so much for the 1-year anniversary card! It was really cute! You are really good at remembering things like that -- I wish I could even remotely keep up! I'll be sending you some pics we've taken of late

I'm glad to hear that you're proud new owners of your house! We are loving ours, so I can only imagine that you're loving yours as much -- especially because you didn't have to move all of your *crap* into it -- it was already there! (Lucky ducks!) Anyway...hope that whole process was smooth and no hic-ups!

We are still open for visitations, so when you think you can make it -- you'll definitely have to come and visit!!!

Hi Ho Hi Ho...off to the gym I go

2005-10-18T18:56:00.000-07:00

I just got done cleaning up the dinner mess...now I am waiting for my food to settle before I head to the gym. This is the sucky part about going after dinner...having to wait for my food to settle. Chris had to pick up his truck after work, so that cut into what was my "scheduled" gym time, so it had to wait until after dinner tonight. I told Chris he'd have to put Kylee to bed tonight...he said "yes dear."

I very easily could just bag the idea, but I won't...besides I haven't been sleeping anyways, so I'll just do my normal putzing around the house later. Chris, Josh, and Kylee just took off for Circuit City...Josh wanted to pick up Batman Begins...he and Chris have not seen it yet.

Jules...I'm thinking Chris won't go hunting this weekend. I told him to GO...but he isn't sure if he wants to go. Maybe I'm not making myself clear =-) ... PLEASE GO!

Okay...I'm outtie to the gym...need to jog/walk off some stress.

More Bad News

2005-10-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

For those of you have been reading my blog...you read about my Aunt Martha being near to death from cancer last week. She did pass away last night a little after 9:00pm. She was in a lot of pain...a lot...so I'm glad she is no longer suffering and that she can now rest in peace with Uncle Harley (her husband who passed away 20 years ago). She never remarried or attempted to be with someone else.

The initial call from my mom was harder than I thought...I just started crying when I got off the phone with her...then I couldn't sleep as normal. I think it just brings up all the memories I have of going to her house when I was younger...all those precious moments in childhood. I didn't realize how many memories did involve Aunt Martha. My mom and I were her favorite...and I'm not just saying that...we were always very special and close to her.

I'm not looking forward to going to the funeral. I'm not sure when it will be, probably Thur/Fri/or Mon. One a year is more than enough...Brianna just passed in May. My mom was just in Illinois for her uncle's death...so this will be her 3rd funeral this year alone. Ugh.

Suppose I should attempt to work. Have a good Tuesday. Make sure to watch Nip/Nuck tonight to see if we find out who the carver is.

You Really Never Know

2005-10-16T22:48:00.000-07:00

Chris brought in the mail yesterday, but I didn't open it until today. I got a disturbing letter from an old friend.

I received a letter from a high school friend, Maury, who I have kept in touch with via letters for the last 7 years since we graduated. She went to Kansas State University and is now the director of the Newman Center (Catholic Services for Students) at Wichita State University in Kansas. I don't remember her being a devote Catholic in high school...I believe it's something she found in college.

Anyhow...a little history. During her freshman year in college Maury met this awesome guy named Matty. I believe he was one of the big reasons Maury's faith became such a huge part of her life...because it was such a big part of his. She was so happy and they seemed to have a perfectly happy relationship. She would always send me pics of them together...his smile looked contagious. I remember waiting to get the letter that said they were engaged, but it never happened. Matty was a year ahead of Maury, so when he graduated they ended up having a long distance relathionship, as he went on to Kansas City and she stayed at school, which ended up being harder on both of them than they had thought. They ended up breaking up after being together for several years because Matty felt God had more for him to do before getting married, he had even thought about joining the seminary to become a Priest. He needed time to figure out what he wanted...and Maury gave him that space and left it in God's hands.

Maury was pretty devastated as she really thought she'd spend the rest of her life with Matty, but he wasn't willing to make the committment to marriage. I remember Maury telling me a story about her sitting in church praying...not during mass...just alone praying...she was crying...then felt a tap on her shoulder and it was Matty saying he didn't want to be without her...he wanted to spend his life with her. So...Maury and Matty were together again and it looked like they would get married, until he finally did decide he wanted to join the seminary. He felt being a Priest was his calling from God...so that is what he pursued, and they remained in touch as friends now and then.

It's been probably two years since Maury and Matty were a couple and she has not had a serious relationship since then. Now is where the disturbing part comes in. In Maury's letter she said Matty had joined the seminary in Chicago, Illinois. He was driving back with a few other seminaries after dinner one night when a deer jumped infront of their car out of no where. The driver of the car swerved to miss the deer rather than hitting it...smashing into a tree, killing two of the seminaries...including Matty and another friend of hers. Just like that Matty was gone.

I know it has been several years since Maury and Matty were together, but I know how much he meant to her and how important he was in her life. I can't imagine the hurt she must feel. She said in her letter it's hard to believe he is gone and really hard to think about. She says she doesn't understand why God would take such holy men from the world when they would have brought many souls to Christ. However, Maury says she trusts God, and she trusts His plans, as they are far above her own. That is faith. To go from being so devastated and not understanding to just letting it be in God's hands...that is faith. It brings tears to my eyes, especially since I am going through my own faith journey now.

Maury asked me to pray for her and Matty's family as they try to cope with this tragedy. It is that...a tragedy...and I will pray for them. I wish there was something I could do for Maury to ease her pain...and if I can do it through prayer, then that is what I will do.

What have I learned? Never take anything for granted. Never go to bed mad. Never forget to tell those you love how much you love them. Always have hope, love, and faith. Peace be with you all.

Sunday Night Recap

2005-10-16T22:17:00.000-07:00

GO SEAHAWKS! They kicked some Texan booty! Let's hope the "Sea-Chickens" as Chris tends to call them can keep up the winning streak.

Let's not talk about the Husky Football losing, yet again. However...we can talk about the UW Volleyball Team winning their 16th straight...sweeping #17USC. GO DAWGS! UW is ranked #2 by the way. The online story said there were 5099 in attendance at Bank of America Arena on Friday night...the 8th largest crowd in a regular season match in the Pac-10. I have been following the volleyball team this year, been to one game, and plan on going to a few in November since they have several home games. I love volleyball! I wish I were in good enough shape to play again.

Well...the house is finally quiet...Kylee stopped jabbering after laying in her crib for the last hour and a half, Josh stopped whining and went to bed, Nolan the cat is hiding, and Chris stopped humping my leg, so I thought I would blog...so ya...it'll probably be long.

Friday recap
Dropped Chris's truck off at the dealership so they can fix it on Monday. The check engine light was on AGAIN, so he took it to Autozone where they hook it up to their computer doo-hickey which showed the massive air flow sensor was having an issue. Lucky for us Chris still has about 2000 miles left on his extended warranty, which we thought was done, so we should just have to pay the deductible. Chris helped my dad cut down some tree branches, then he wanted to show us the house my stepbrother Jason put an offer on. Sweet house...I'd take it. After that we did our typical payday run to Costco and the grocery store. We had dinner at Puerta Villarta in Yelm...yummy...bad for the diet though. This womans child was having a royal screaming COW. Chris and I both agreed if Kylee ever did that one of us would just take her to the car...it was ridiculous.

Saturday recap
The four of us went to breakfast at Hawks Prairie, then headed to the new Home Depot directly across the street to check prices for stuff in the house. We went home, I showered, put Kylee down for a nap, Chris and Josh worked on Josh's piece of crap truck that is SO LOUD in the morning. After Kylee fell asleep I went to Michael's crafts where I picked up some stuff to make Christmas ornaments and stuff to make thank you cards for the AIDS Walk my mom and I did in September. I picked up Chris's boots at Red Wing, headed to Target and chit chatted with Jules.

My mom came down to watch Kylee while we went to a movie. We met up with Jules at the new theater in Lacey, which I thought was very nice, nicer than the Regal in Lakewood I am used to, but Lakewood has a better bathroom. We saw "The Fog" with Tom Welling...he's so cute! The movie was pretty good...I probably could have waited to rent it. The worst part...EYES ROLLING...were all the little teeny boppers. They were laughing, jumping, and screaming, and it was just so annoying. I felt old. I think we all felt kinda old...remind me not to see a PG-13 "supposed to be scary" movie in the theater again...atleast not opening weekend. After the movie we went to the Red Wing Casino for bit. Jules and I lost a little on the slots, then had a meal and chit chatted while the boys dropped their money on the black jack tables. It was a good night. It was nice to see Jules, I haven't seen her since early September.

Oh ya...the cat. My mom dropped off the cat when she came down. All he did was hide under the couch all night, didn't eat or use the litterbox. Today he stayed under my bed until I drug him out and shut the door. He has been here over 24 hours and this evening he finally used the litter box (who knows where he went all day) and I heard him eating a little bit...so hopefully he'll get used to his new home...and Kylee's loud mouth =-)

Sunday recap
I got out of bed around 7:30 after another night of tossing and turning to find my stomach was highly upset. The dip that came with my sandwich Saturday night was pretty tangy...I had a feeling it wasn't going to settle...sure enough I was puking when I got out of the shower. I had Chris go to Safeway to get me some Mylanta so I'd make it through church. Church was fine, I missed it since I didn't go last week. It's funny how I miss the peacefulness I get from church when I miss a Sunday. I went home and putzed around the house, watched some football, and "Bruce Almighty". I forgot how funny the part was where Jim Carrey makes the anchor guy sound funny and say funny things while broadcasting. I made lasagna for dinner, did some laundry, and putzed around the house some more. It just seems like I never get things done, yet I am always doing something.

Anyways...now that you know way more about my weekend than you could have ever wanted...I think I'll say good night. I'm really not tired, so I'll probably go read the Cosmo magazine Jules brought me with Matthew Mykindahottie McConaughey on the cover.

Jules...good luck with the new job position tomorrow...don't worry...I won't bog you down with emails. I'll be thinking about ya and I'll say some prayers tonight for a smooth transition.

Labs

2005-10-13T22:40:00.000-07:00

Oh ya...I got my lab report back yesterday. The good doc had me go to check to see if my thyroid was borderline or over the border now because of the moods I was having prior to going on the new BC pills.

The labs shows my thyroid is still borderline. My cholesterol is 233...borderline high. My triglycerides are 340...according to the paper that is high but the doctor made no comments about that. My good cholesterol is 114...which is near or above optimal...meaning a little high. The comment next to the good cholesterol LDL says "try to lose weight." DUH REALLY! That's what I wanted to say.

It's just something else on my mind saying..."knock knock Amber...this is your heart...just wanted to let you know you are going to kill me if you don't lower your cholesterol and triglycerides while you are young...duh stupid girl." Can anyone tell me why I can't just eat right and exercise???? Hello...anyone??? All the signs are right there on the lab report.

I didn't get to the gym this week...fresh start on Sunday...back to the gym 4-5 days a week. Time to get off that butt AMBER!

Sigh....I am so not tired, but I gotta go try. Sorry for blogging so much.

Other Stuff

2005-10-13T22:31:00.000-07:00

Jules...I forgot to tell ya on the phone today...Chris was cool with the volleyball game on Nov 4. I told him either you and I would go by ourselves and I'd find a sitter for Kylee so he could do something with dork boy, or we could all go...and he said we could all go...so he must secretly want to go. We'll see if he changes his mind, if so I'll find a sitter and you and I could go. I don't really want dork boy to go, plus he gets home late on Fridays and I don't want to wait for him. If that's the case Chris might not want to go. We could always abduct Mr. Alba and take him with us...that would be interesting huh. HA HA.

Kylee had another hard day today because of her teeth, but she was still pretty good. She came with us to the lawyers office and was very well behaved. I'm hoping the four canine teeth that are making their way through finish this weekend so next week will be better.

My mom might be coming down on Saturday to drop off Nolan. My dad informed me tonight my step-mom Diann is allergic to cats and jokes about saying they won't be able to come over anymore if the cat is here. I know he wasn't serious, but part of me thinks it's true. However, I am not going to not have my cat because she is allergic...they don't come over that much. Just my dad trying to put in his two cents again.

I'm really worried Nolan is going to miss my mom, but she really wants us to take him, and he is ours, so we have to. Cats probably don't care where they are as long as they get food I guess. My mom has been feeding 4 kittens outside for a couple months now. Today when we left my mom's place we saw them outside...I would so take home one of the black and white ones. Chris says we can't get another cat right away, but I think if I bug him enough he'll let me get one...mabye we can snag one of the black and white ones.

I just spoke with my mom...she had just gotten home from going to see Aunt Martha with my grandma. My mom is totally down. She said she kept crying the whole time they were there. Apparently Aunt Martha is in constant pain, the nurses don't give her the morphine like they are supposed to. She is supposed to get it every half hour...how terrible is that...to need pain killers that often. How terrible. My mom always says she never wants to be in a place like where Aunt Martha is at. My mom says she'll throw herself infront of a bus before she suffers the way Aunt Martha is and before she has to stay in a place like that. It's all very sad. I'll probably have a bad dream tonight.

Anyhoo...I haven't been sleeping well at night, but I guess I'll go try. Chris went to bed over an hour ago. I feel like calling Mr. Alba and chit chatting, but I think he might be in bed already.

Tomorrow is a busy day. I have to go into the office for the Process Committee meeting, so that will eat up half the day. It's payday so I gotta pay the bills and do the grocery shopping, Costco run, and Target run...oh joy. Have a good weekend...blog ya later.

Home Sweet Home

2005-10-13T22:09:00.000-07:00

So, the nerves were absolutely silly. We were in and out of the lawyers office in less than 30 minutes. It was kind of unreal. We each had to sign in 3 places...the Unroes signed in their 3 places...and as swift as that the house became ours.

I love the Unroes, they are so nice, and they have done such a wonderful thing for us. Of course they are going to make money off of the interest we'll be paying them. DING DING...the light came on today. Chris says..."why are the Unroes so nice doing this for us?" I was like...I dunno. My mom made the light come on, "well, they get all the interest you'll be paying, plus they'll pay the place off quicker and just collect the money." DING DING DING...hello...it all makes sense now how they benefit. Plus there is not real estate or escrow closing costs and whatnot. Yes...I am slow with numbers.

It's a good thing...I'd rather pay them the money than some bank. I can't say it feels much different since we didn't get to pack and move into a new place, but it is our house now. I do feel a sense of happiness and have a silly grin on my face somewhat. Tee hee.

It is a little scary too...cause now if anything goes wrong or breaks, it is all on us. Do you know what that means...better build up that savings account...ASAP. Oh and reality has hit...that we don't have any money to fix or make updates at this time...so it's one small thing at a time. I think this weekend we'll get some shelving or cabinets for the garage to make into my make shift pantry.

Bad News of the Day

2005-10-13T09:14:00.000-07:00

There is some bad news of the day. My mom told me her Aunt Martha will most likely pass away today if she didn't through the night. Aunt Martha is my grandma's sister. My mom and I have always been very close to her. My mom did a lot of around the house work and yard work for her after my parents were divorced to earn money so we could survive. Aunt Martha always had something for mom to do so she could give her money rather just making mom feel like it was a hand out...cause my mama didn't take no hand outs...that's just how she has always been.

For those that do no know, Aunt Martha was diagnosed with cancer less than a year ago, but who knows how long she had it before. It was everywhere in her body, her spine, her bones, just everywhere. She had some chemo and radiation but the cancer would just pop up somewhere else. A few months back she fell pretty bad and was taken to Harbor View and she wasn't able to take care of herself so she has been in a home in Port Orchard (where her son lives) for the last few months. My mom hates the place...she doesn't think people in those places are cared for properly. Aunt Martha has continuously gotten worse, her mind has gone, she doesn't make sense when she talks, and she doesn't remember anyone. Occasionally she does know my grandma.

I feel bad, for not feeling bad about not going to see her, but I guess I want to remember her how she used to be. I would just go there and cry. My mom has gone many times with my grandma and says many times they leave, and even though Aunt Martha doesn't know who they are, she begs and cries for them to take her home. I don't want to see that. My mom says she has to fight crying when she goes...and my mom is not a crier really. It is sad.

I feel bad for my grams. She has lost or is about to lose her third and last sibling...my grams is the oldest of four, and she has lost three of her seven children. She is one of the strongest people I know...I have never seen her break down.

So...just an update on that.

Signing + Closing = Home Owners @ 2:30

2005-10-13T08:45:00.000-07:00

That's right my friends...today is the big house buying day. We have an appt. at 2:30 to sign papers and close and then we'll be home owners. Can someone tell me why I am nervous? Is it the increasing house payment? Is it the $2300 check I have to write out today? Is it fear of being an actual home owner? Or is it just excitment? I'm thinking it's a combo of all of the above.

Chris said he has been nervous all week, but only because the cost of living is about to go up for us. However, I know we can do it if we just stop going out to dinner so much. Ask Jules...she'll confirm we go out for dinner way too much...sometimes spending $300 in a two week period. So...that right there is our increase. Our roomie is still here, so he's actually going to pay more too...so I think it'll be okay. I think we are excited. I might even pick up my cat tonight since we have to go into Lakewood for Chris's dentist appt.

What have I learned? Some things are worth waiting for.

Kids

2005-10-11T10:39:00.000-07:00

Can someone tell me why I am having the urge to get pregnant? Is it because my little girl is growing up? I put her to bed last night for the first time without a bottle and she did fine. Whaaaa for mommy cause it means she is getting bigger. I have my days where I totally freak out because she is driving me nuts...but really those are the days where I just need to pay a little more attention to her and work later. Part of me wants to pop the kids out now so I can enjoy the time at home with them while they are babies, then go back to work in the normal working world. I think my brain is thinking too much this week.

Can you tell I don't want to work, I've spent almost an hour blogging.

Work Updates

2005-10-11T10:35:00.000-07:00

But of course...they named our new manager this week...it was the one I didn't want. She has worked in our department before as a supervisor a little over 2 years ago...didn't like her. Perhaps that is why I have a bad attitude about work this week. I just don't feel like doing it, plain and simple. I am bored with it.

I was talking to Mr. Alba today telling him how last night I felt like I have no skills in the working world. I spent all that time going to college and gradutated with no real skills. I'm guessing that is because I didn't know what I wanted to do and have a pretty basic degree. I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up. Poo poo. I have skills that will get me along in DaVita, but if I left them I'd really have no other skills because all the programs we work with are DaVita specific and my knowledge revolves around the dialysis health community.

Anyone have advice on how to deal with this conflict I feel?

Dreams

2005-10-11T10:12:00.000-07:00

I know you have all thought this..."what did that dream mean?" I had such a real dream last night I woke up and wanted to call Chris at work and confront him. I had a dream he was cheating on me with some chick on a swim team at some college and I found out. When I confronted him about it in the dream he admitted it was true and said he would go about doing it as long as he wanted because there was nothing I could do to stop him.

The feeling in my dream was of such awe...like...how could he be so cruel as to cheat on me and tell me he would do it as long as he wanted and didn't care if I knew about it. Why did I dream that? It was such a bad feeling when I woke up.

More House Updates

2005-10-11T10:09:00.000-07:00

I spoke with the landlord again on Friday...we were given the final numbers of what we would have to pay upfront...just a tad over $2300. How awesome is that, we get to buy a house for almost nothing in the big picture. AWESOME! We have an appointment with the lawyer and the landlords on Thursday at 2:30 to sign the papers and the house will be ours. Thank you Lord for blessing us with our own home. Congrats again to Becca and Luke as they make their new house a home =-)

I called our insurance company yesterday and set up home owners insurance, which is fairly cheaper than I expected, about $39 a month...not bad at all. Gotta have it.

I know I have been going on and on about fixing up the kitchen...but now I am rethinking that. The more I look at our cupboards, the more I realize it would be nice to have new ones...not fancy ones, just new ones. If we wait until March we could probably get new cabinets...until then I can still paint the kitchen area. I find picking out colors is harder than I thought. We already have the flooring, but we are not putting that in until the place is painted and the cabinets, whether refinished or new, are in place.

Chris is a huge dog lover, but we have not been able to have a dog because we have either lived in an apartment, with my mom, or in our house with no pets allowed. So...of course...being the pleaser that I am, I'd love to get Chris a dog. It's not going to be the Siberian Husky he has dreamed of, but probably a chocolate lab or something along that line. We need to get in touch with the golf course committee to find out if we are allowed to put up a fence first, if so, then we'll probably do that first. Chris would also like to have the stumps (3) dug out in the back yard. Of course the things he wants are for outside and the things I want are for inside.

Speaking of animals, we are going to bring Nolan home this weekend. He has lived at my mom's for almost 5 years, so I am kind of worried about how he'll do being away from there. He has grown attached to my mom, plus he had Kirby and Pixie to play with. I want to get another cat so he has a playmate, but Chris said he'd like us to see how it goes with Nolan first. I'm not worried about it, just wondering where to put the litter box since we don't have a laundry room. If he was an outdoor cat I'd put it in the garage, but he is an indoor cat, so I have to find something inside.

So...the possible new list of first things to do.

1. Have the air ducts in the house cleaned, including the furnace, to reduce the dust in the house.
2. Have someone come and clean the fireplace and fix the possibly broken flew.
3. Check if we can put up a fence and if so get an estimate. (I am avoiding stump removal)
4. Install or build a pantry like shelving unit in the garage for added storage for kitchen stuff.
5. New shower doors, back wall board, and flooring in master bath.
6. Remove wallpaper and paint master bedroom.

Jules...

2005-10-08T22:27:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the words...Glad to know everyone has their own path. As far as your other question. I don't think I'll be seeing the future wife in her new flick. As beatufil as she is I have to say she is one of the worst actresses I have ever seen. If I could mute the movie I would go but it seems like a waste of $10.00! I remember watching Dark Angel...I couldn't even make it through the first episode. I guess it's just a physical attraction.

Prayer...

2005-10-05T22:34:00.000-07:00

First off, I'm more than happy to hear about your house. I think it's great and I wish I was in your shoes. As far as your prayer post I think that's awesome too. Do you remember when we had your 'who gets in to heaven emails'? Maybe you don't but I most definitely do. Honestly, I've always been somewhat skeptical when it comes to that subject. I wish I was as confident as Julia and yourself, but I think I have more questions than answers. Don't get me wrong I think religion is a wonderful and powerful thing becuase in some cases it gives people hope that would otherwise have none. Hey, I say my version of a prayer every night. It's the same thing every night, its short, but it gets me to sleep. I can't sleep without it. I've been saying since before I remember. Maybe I'm just wired different. I'm very analytical...Numbers make sense to me. They always have...Their logical ya know? With numbers you're either right or wrong...no questions. So, I think my nature is to ask questions to find the answer...To me it's not cut and dry. I could sit here and ask you and Julia a thousand questions and from your answers I would have a thousand more. For those who believe the answer does not matter, for those who do not...No answer will suffice. Does that make sense or is it crazy? I don't know...if you guys think I'm off my rocker tell me. I believe in God...I just think my head and heart will find him/her differently. I envy you both for your beliefs and in the way you believe...I wish I could see it through your eyes as I don't think my sight is as clear as yours. Anyway, hopefully I didn't ruffle any feathers and if I did I apologize as I do realize this is a touchy subject. Miss you miz Amber!!!

House Update

2005-10-05T13:36:00.000-07:00

The landlord called me about the house deal today to give me an update. He said he got impatient with the lawyers office so he called them again today to see what was up. Apparently last week when he spoke to the assistant (guess the lawyer is too busy to draw it all up himself) she miss quoted the closing cost (excise taxes) and said something outrageous like $14,000 and he explained to her she was wrong...it's excise tax...not sales tax...so it's like she didn't want to admit she was wrong and didn't call the landlord back.

Anyhoo...the actual taxes are like $4300 (which includes pro-rated property taxes since they are due this month, and we only have to pay half of that, along with half of the lawyer fees which is about $400. So...we are going to be home owners with less than $3000 out of our pocket. It's pretty awesome. We're thinking of having a "we done already lived here for 3 years" housewarming party...but I dunno yet.

The landlord wanted to run the numbers by me to make sure it was okay...either way he said we'd figure it out, even if that means we pay them back. The lawyer lady is supposed to be sending the papers to the landlord before the week is over, then we'll go over them with him and then we'll set up a time to sign papers...soooo...it could be next week. YEAH!

We are definately going to work on the kitchen first. I think we'll refinish the cupboards, get new hardware, then paint. We'll have to wait until after Christmas to put in the new flooring, new door, and trim etc. I'm excited.

What have I learned today? Once again...patience in life is sometimes needed.

Day 3

2005-10-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

It's day three of the diet...and I'm starting not to like eggs for breakfast...or maybe they just didn't taste good this morning. They have this recipe for mini quiche in the book that you can freeze and take out when you want to eat, maybe I'll put those together tonight and see how they taste.

I had a huge salad for lunch, and I feel satisfied. Tonight we'll have baked pork chops for dinner with steamed asparagus, steamed cauliflower or beans, and macaroni & cheese for the boys. I'm planning on going to the gym when Chris gets home from work.

Yesterday went pretty good. I had a mushroom and canadian bacon omlette...sort of...I haven't mastered the omlette thing yet. I felt really hungry yesterday, so I snacked on nuts, cheese, or sugar free jello...still no bad carbs. I didn't really eat an actual lunch yesterday...that wasn't good, so when dinner came I was starved. We ended up going to the new Round Table Pizza where I feasted on the salad bar...no croutons or really carbie veggies. I had two small pieces of pizza, but just the toppings, no crust. It tastes better with the crust, but this no carb thing is not forever, so it's okay.

Kylee was better yesterday...thank you Lord...and pretty good today. Maybe she just really missed me after spending the weekend with her grandma.

I miss my mom. I don't see her too often, maybe once a week or every couple weeks, but since she is in Wisconsin I can't just call her up at work 3 or 4 times a day whenever I want. The town they went to for the funeral is really out in the middle of no where...like seriously...so I assume her cell phone has no reception. They are going back to my aunts tomorrow, so I'll probably hear from her tomorrow.

Prayer

2005-10-03T21:54:00.000-07:00

The topic in class today was prayer. It was interesting to see why people pray, why they don't pray, what they pray for, when and where they pray, and how they pray were just some of the things mentioned.

Where do you pray?
- We have this mini bench thing in our stand up shower that sometimes I sit on during my shower and pray. Sometimes I pray and hope that the water falling on me is God washing away the bad.
- In the car. If I am traveling far I will often mumble a little prayer to myself to get where I am going safely. If I hear sirens I will sometimes pray the people involved in the accident or call will be kept safe. If my husband is driving like a dumb butt I will pray we get where we are going safely without hurting anyone.
- In bed at bedtime, which is probably when many do, because it's quiet and I feel connected to God in silence.

Something I have thought of before, and we spoke of today was "listening" to God. We often speak of prayer as "asking" or "talking" to God, but I think we should also be "listening." I love the adoration chapel at St. Michaels for that reason, it's a place to go and sit in the presence of God and just listen. It's open 24/7, so you can go anytime and just listen or talk to God.

Tom was our speaker today. He reminded us there is always time to pray, perhaps life is kind of like one big prayer. We don't necessarily have to sit down and say "okay, I am going to pray now." Perhaps humming a song from mass is a form of prayer, just in my own kind of way. He told us many people have prayer tables set up in their homes, each unique, where they can go and be with God in their own homes. I might think about setting up such a space, or maybe just putting something in each room to remind me of the presence of God.

The way I think about things in life is constantly changing as my faith journey continues at St. Michaels. I'm looking forward to the coming months as the Advent and Christmas season grow closer.

What have I learned? Sometime we have all heard...but I was reminded today...there is power in prayer. I think I need to go to bed and ask for some more forgiveness for being so impatient with my little girl today.

Could Have Been Better

2005-10-03T21:35:00.000-07:00

Today could have been better. I did pretty good on the diet thing, didn't eat any bad carbs. I made baked ziti for the boys, and I did put a noodle in my mouth to see if it was done enough, only to realize it was a carb and spit it out before any of it went down. I'm finding just being aware of what I eat is huge. For the most part I didn't crave too much during the day, but I found when I got home from my church class I was wanting a bag of popcorn, a bowl of cereal, and for some reason a peanut butter and jelly sandwich sounded good. I had like 20 pistachios to fight the want for a snack, and had a glass of crystal light...basically flavored water...and that seems to have done the trick, plus I sat down to blog.

Why could the day have been better? Kylee drove me insane today. There have only been a few days since she was born where I can actually say it was hell...but today was one of those days. Chris walked in the door from work and immediately gave me a hug because I had been screaming on the phone at him prior what a terrible day we were having at home. I broke into tears. Tears of frustration because she would not take a nap, because she would not stop crying or whining, tears for feeling like a bad mom, tears for feeling like I let Kylee down, tears for feeling bad for yelling at Kylee, and just tears of feeling like a failure. I really got angry with this sweet little innocent 14 month old. I hated the way I felt today. I wanted to run away. I sat in church tonight and prayed for God to forgive me for not being patient with my daugther and for forgiveness for yelling at her.

I came home from church class and daddy had gotten her to sleep...not without problems...but she finally went to sleep. She lay there so innocent in her bed and I apologized for yelling at her and for not being more patient. I still don't know what her problem was today. Her cold doesn't seem as bad, her nose was barely runny and she doesn't sound stuffed up anymore. She didn't have a fever, she wasn't tugging on her ears, so maybe she's got some serious teeth coming in. She was with grandma Mary from Friday until Sunday evening...maybe she just wanted me to pay attention to her 24/7 like grandma does, or maybe she was afraid I was leaving her for a long time again. I just don't know. I just know it was a hard day. I got no work done...literally.

D-Day...Shall we say Diet Day #1

2005-10-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

And I'm off...attempting to eat better to find the healthy Amber within =-) I feel good that I have started the day with a positive vibe about this diet...I feel like I can do it...I just have to try and not give up or in to temptation.

On the menu for breakfast is scrambled eggs, 2 slices of canadian bacon, tomato juice, and optional decaf tea if wanted. I'm not sure if I am loving the tomato juice, but I guess it's okay if I want juice in the morning. I have never had tea, but I am trying decaf green tea and find it's not so bad with one bag of artificial sweetner. Of course I'll go for a lot of water everyday, which I used to do, but got off track with.

For midmorning snack I'll have a mozzarella cheese stick. Lunch with be a hefty salad. The midafternoon snack with be low fat cottage cheese and tomatoes (which I love), and dinner with be a chicken breast, steamed broccoli, and salad. Really the day is not that bad. I am going to make Chris and Josh baked ziti for dinner...it'll be a challenge not to taste test.

Special Post

2005-10-02T16:33:00.000-07:00

I want to make a special post to my friend Jules. I had a bad week with my lovely husband last week...I kinda of hit a breaking point...I cried...we talked...I yelled, and Julia listened to me as I explained to her my frustrations again. Pretty much the disagreement with Chris was over the same old crap, the same old crap Jules has listened to me complain about before, but she always listens...and I just want to say thank you. Thank you for always being there and being awesome and not just telling me what a dork my husband is (cause we already know he is).

Thanks for being my friend Jules and for listening! Thanks for being my friend of 20 years (holy crap that makes me feel old) Love ya girl!

Just me and the dog

2005-10-02T16:27:00.000-07:00

So...it's just me in the house...with Ivan, my grandparents French Bulldog. They made it to Chicago okay...my mom has called me everyday. We got her a cell phone a couple weeks ago, so now I think she gets a kick out of being able to call me from anywhere whenever she wants to. Yes...it is her first cell phone ever.

Chris and Josh went to the Mariners game today (the last of the season). I was supposed to go, but it was so nasty this morning I offered my ticket to Josh...Chris didn't seem too disappointed about spending the day away from me. I thought it might be nice to spend a quiet day in the house by myself. Kylee has been with grandma Mary since Friday night, which I don't like admitting has been a refreshing break, but at the same time I have missed her since about 3 hours after we dropped her off. Chris and Josh should be home in about an hour with her. I'm looking forward to seeing my little girl. Hopefully she doesn't just want to chase the dog around.

That whole idea of me having the house to myself sounded kinda nice...except for I haven't really been home. I got up this morning, went to church and headed right to Lowes after to check out paint colors for the inside of the house. I found several good ideas thanks to some handy pamphlets. Question for you all...paint or wall paper...any preference or thoughts or are both okay. There are so many possibilities.

Anyhoo...after Lowes I went grocery shopping at Fred Meyer for over an hour because I was shopping for healthy foods for the diet I am starting tomorrow and I was checking out all the Halloween decorations. I got home, had some lunch, and then Chris called to ask me to go pick him up some work boots since his current pair is leaking and his back up pair hasn't been fixed yet either. I was annoyed because I don't see why he can't just stop and pick up a pair on his way home, especially since he is picky, so I just picked something I thought he might like.

So...for my good deed I treated myself to one last carmel frappachino for awhile. So ya see...I didn't get much alone time in the house since the boys and Miss Mak will be home soon. Miss Mak is what we call Kylee sometimes since her middle name is Makenzie...it's kinda one of our pet names for her.

Back to that diet thing...I know you are thinking "oh gosh another yo-yo dieter on our hands". The truth be told I really have not been on any diet since having Kylee, just kinda eat what I want. Based on my family history I am highly prone to heart disease, so me sitting here very overweight is not helping the matter. On top of that I am prone to diabetes based on the fact I had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant. So...I read this book called "The South Beach Diet" which I have heard about for a long time now, but never tried. It's written by a preventive cardiologist. Things in the book really made sense to me. It discusses how your body digests food etc and it made a light go off in my head. So...I'm going to give it a whirl. I am going to cut all carbs for two weeks to get my blood chemistry back where it should be, then I'll slowly add in the good carbs. I have to stop trying and just DO! My bronchitits thing is better, just a runny nose now, so I should be able to get back to the gym this week.

Please pray this is the time it works, the time I stick with something and make something happen. I have about 100lbs I need to drop to be at a healthy weight. I'd like to be around for a long time, so I have to do it. I got all my healthy foods at the grocery store today, so I have no reason to say there is nothing to eat. Everything I put in my mouth is a choice, and I am going to make the right choices so I can have a long healthy life.

What have I learned? Once again, never enough hours in a weekend =-) I think I'll go kick up my feet and see what football games are on.

Back By Popular Demand

2005-09-29T22:03:00.000-07:00

Where o' where has Amber been...oh where or where has she been?
Hmm...changing poopy diapers, working late nights since she is sick with a sinus infection and bronchitis, playing with a kid that is cranky cause she is sick too, cooking dinner for an ungrateful husband, then cleaning it up, doing laundry, picking up the house, stumbling on toys, reading a book, chasing after a one year old, tripping over tupperware pulled out of the cupboard by the one year old, picking up after a 26 year old male who claims to be my husband, helping my mom, oh and praying...a lot...for sanity =-)

Things have been hectic. There is sooooo much work to do during the day since half the people in our department called in sick every other day this month and now it's the end of the month and things still have to be done by tomorrow.

I'm part of this new committee at work within our department. I volunteered to be a part of it because it'll look good for my "development" within the department and company, but I'm finding I actually like having something extra to do. We will be meeting every Friday in the office for the next 6 months, then they'll choose different people from the department to take over to switch it up so everyone can participate. The committee exams current processes within the department and decides if they need to be updated or drawn up officially. We also accept proposals from other teammates to review current processes and see if there is a better way to go about things or take into consideration what the teammate may have suggested the change be. We then submit the change to management if need be and if approved we make everyone aware of the change...that kind of thing. It's nothing major, but it looks good for my review next year.

Big changes coming with work this month. Effective October 1st DaVita will officially buy out Gambro Dialysis...which is the 2nd largest dialysis company...Davita is #3, so now we'll be number 2 with the aquistion of all of Gambro's dialysis centers. We had to wait several months for the government to approve the deal. We would have become a "monopoly" type thing in CA, so we had to divest 50 or so sites there. The majority of my current sites I deal with are in CA and 3 of them are being divested. I feel really bad...the people I work with are so nice, but I guess that is what happens.

We also found out last week our manager Athena is moving to another department...which makes us all feel kinda vulnerable since she has been our manager for 5 years. However, that is to us veterans of the department. It'll be interesting to see who gets her spot, and who applies for the other positions. I heard one of our seniors is also applying for another supervisor job in another department, so that could potentially open 2 senior positions. I would love to apply...I can't even say how much I want to be a senior, but I just can't afford the daycare for Kylee right now. If our supervisor goes to the manager spot, i know the seniors will apply for the supervisor spot, which means 3 possible senior spots. My senior tells me I'd get the job, hands down, but I have to come in the office and I just can't yet...maybe if I win the lottery.

That's it for now...I gotta get to bed. I did talk to the landlords this week, we should be signing papers for the house the first or second week of October...YEAH!

My mom's uncle in Wisconsin died today. I did not know him, might have met him once. My mom is flying out to Chicago with my grandparents on Saturday cause they cannot travel alone, they would never make it there. We get to watch there dog Ivan for a week at our house...Lord help me get through the next week.

I need to hit the sack, long day tomorrow. I'll try to keep up with my blogs now.

What did I learn today? Once again...I learned God will neer give us more than we can handle, with faith we can get through anything.

Where's Amber...

2005-09-29T14:04:00.000-07:00

How am I supposed to know what's going on with miz Amber if she doesn't post???

The List

2005-09-20T07:25:00.000-07:00

Of course we put together a list of things we'd like to do to the house, but of course money does not grow on trees and Lowe's and Home Depot don't give away things for free, so we are now putting together a list of the things we could actually start doing once the house is ours...things we could squeeze into the budget. We are going to tackle the kitchen first.

Kitchen
- Resurface cabinets (somehow strip old finish and put new finish on, then new knobs)
- Get rid of the trash compactor that has never worked and add a cabinet door for storage or possibly a new home for the trash can
- Paint kitchen and dining room/work area (all connected), possibly a wall paper border
- New counter tops
- Rip up vinyl and carpet and replace with some type of wood flooring (not the real stuff though)
- New base molding, and possibly chair rail
- New curtains, valance, curtain rods

That seems like a lot, but I figure we'll go one room at a time. Before we thought we'd do our bathroom first, but I think we'll start with one of the places we spend (or atleast I) spend the most time, which is in the kitchen where my work station is at.

Now it's time to get back to work.

It's Been Awhile

2005-09-20T07:14:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I posted a blog, but I just haven't had a chance to sit down and do it. As soon as Chris got home from work Friday we hit Costco then went to my grandparents house for halibut. My mom was there, my Aunt Tina, and cousins Marni and Emma. It was nice to see them.

We talked about Christmas and how we all need to cut back on buying gifts. We all try to buy for everyone, but it ends up costing way too much money. Half the time you don't even get to see the people you buy gifts for open the gifts you got them because of the the comotion usually going on. Christmas isn't even about presents...it's really sad how the true meaning is so overlooked and celebrated by many for the wrong reasons. So...I am cutting back this year...big time.

Chris has to work Saturday morning so Kylee and I went to Target and Wal-Mart to get the household items and just look around at stuff. We came home, had lunch, put stuff away and headed to Tacoma where Chris's mom watched Kylee while we went to see "Lord of War." It was pretty good, but a little on the long side, I would have been fine renting it. After the movie we went back to Chris's parents house where we were supposed to have dinner with his parents, his sister and her new live-in boyfriend, but apparently her boyfriend had a tooth ache and didn't want to come over.

So how come she brought him a plate of food home? He probably just didn't want to eat with us. I'm not sure how I feel about her being so serious with this guy who is already living with her. I think he has a little "side job" selling stuff...if ya know what I mean, and that's not something I like. Chris is hesitant about him as well. I know we have to give him the benefit of the doubt...but certain things just seem a little "shady."

On Sunday I went to church, then headed to the mall to return a shirt, find a birthday present for my dad (he is 65 today), and then I went grocery shopping. I came home, only to head right back to the mall with Chris to get new cell phones through T-Mobile. After that we had dinner at The Outback and then finally we came home and I was able to attempt to clean up the house.

I swear my kitchen just cannot stay tidy...there is always toys on the floor, stuff on the counter, stuff on the table, it's an ongoing thing. Atleast the living room is tidy =-)

The landlord's lawyer should be back from vacation tomorrow, so I am hoping to hear from this week as to a date when we can meet to sign papers and make the house ours. YEAH!

What have a I learned? There are not enough hours in the day sometimes.

No Ambish

2005-09-15T13:40:00.000-07:00

No Ambish...that's what my dad says for no ambition. I have none today. I don't feel like working, don't feel like cooking, don't feel like doing anything but laying in bed...could be I am not feeling well. My stomach has been crazy...kinda like when I was pregnant, but that is highly doubtful...probably just a bug. I think I might email my senior and find out if I can be off early.

wowsers

2005-09-14T21:52:00.000-07:00

sounds like you've been more busy than i! aren't cars grand? we've had our own issues with our durango...funny how cars take up so much of your time! :(

what i find to always amaze me, is how often things work out for the good of all sides -- no matter what the situation! :) sometimes it's events not coming to fruition. sometimes it's people not showing up for coffee. sometimes it's cars blowing up :). sometimes it's NOT making that phone call. sometimes it IS making that phone call. sometimes it's just a quick card in the mail. sometimes it's a long blog online. whatever it is, things work out. i have a lovely little sister that doesn't make time for her family members as much as we all think she should! :) (you know how she can be.) we just keep sending the emails, leaving the voicemails, and mailing the notes. eventually she'll pick up on it. perhaps this will be the same with your sis. even though she frustrates you, keep loving her as best you can. you never know...she may be listening to the voicemails (or reading the cards or whatever) and using your thoughtfulness to get her through her day. *shrug* you never know!!

glad your mom's doc's appt went well. see?? worried over nothing! :) we like it when it turns out this way, even though it can be frustrating! now it's time to celebrate!!! as a side note, send my mom an email sometime -- i'm sure she'd enjoy it! as the monty python boys remind us of often: "always look on the bright side of life". So true! :)

hope you have a great night, Ambs!

Kinda Mad

2005-09-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling kinda mad at my sister, half-sister really, Dee Dee. She comes to things at my house when I invite her, but otherwise I don't really hear from her or know anything that is going on in her life. I have not seen or heard from her since she came to Kylee's birthday party on August 6. I know she was going to Reno with her boyfriend and starting a new job with Boeing Employee Credit Union, but that is the last I heard.

I used to be able to call her at work or email her at work, but now I can't even do that. I have a home phone, but she is never there. I guess it bugs me because we had gotten closer and now it's like she doesn't care. She doesn't even call our dad...granted he can be an ass...but he is still our dad. I put up with his crap everyday, but he's still my dad, I still love him, and I'd be lost without my dad. I just wish she would wake up and realize she only has one dad. I guess she is just being selfish...only thinking about herself as she has been the last few years. She needs to think about her kids more and less about her love life...she's not even divorced yet.

Family is really important to me...so it bugs me she is so careless. I guess I'll just keep being the good sister and try calling.

Where should I be?

2005-09-13T21:57:00.000-07:00

The quick answer...I should be at the Kelly Clarkson concert at the Puyallup Fair right about now singing "Hazel Eyes", but instead I am sitting here. Apparently she got sick and couldn't sing...oh well I guess. I was really looking forward to the concert since I really like her new CD (don't have it yet, but I know it has several good songs). Atleast I get the money back.

This is the first chance I have had to blog in a few days since things have been going non stop since Friday night.

My mom and I walked in the AIDS Walk Saturday morning...in the pooring down rain! I was drenched. My mom had an umbrella, but I didn't since I was pushing Kylee in the stroller...atleast she had a cover over her. My pediatrician once told my mom it was good to go for walks in the rain, so I figure she was fine as long as we kept her dry and sort of warm. My mom and I raised just over $700 together. The Life Long AIDS Alliance received over $600,000 in pledges..WOW. The weather was terrible, but we were there for Uncle Kelly. My mom doesn't cry often...but she got all teared up when they had someone playing "Amazing Grace" on the bag pipes. I'm sure she was thinking about how much she misses Kelly...as do we all. I wish he could have known Kylee, cause I know he'd adore her.

My mom and I went to lunch after I changed out of my drenched clothing. The day was good until my check engine light came on and my car started acting up. To make a long story short...we had the car diagnosed and it would have been over $2000 to fix the transmission modular, something with first gear (basically the tranmission), and the oxygen sensor, with labor and tax etc. We didn't have the money to fix the car...so what do we do...we go and buy a new car.

That's right...we spent most of Sunday at the car dealer. We know have a 2005 Chevy Impala...color is blue metallic. I was having issues thinking it was a "grandma car", but I think I am over that now. I actually really like driving it, and I have much more room for my long legs. I think I'll tint the windows when I have some extra cash...just to make sure it's less grandma-ish. It was a program car, so it has a few miles on it, but we are the first to purchase it. I'll attach pics if I ever figure that out.

So...I missed Courtney's wedding all together because of the car and being upset about it, and because it was pouring down rain (her wedding was supposed to be outside). I'll send her a card and some cash on Friday (payday). It was nice to come home and find my hubby had cleaned up the whole house. He picked up all the toys, vaccuumed, mopped, did all the laundry, and picked up my mess in the kitchen. It made me very relieved and very happy. Although I just ended up messing the place up before the night was over...go figure.

Update on my mom...she didn't have a MRI, it was just an ultrasound. They said it didn't look like anything...in fact my mom said it is smaller, almost completely gone...so who knows what it is or was. Whew...thank goodness it was nothing.

Freaky thing happened in my dads family...however keep in mind I barely know my dad's family and he doesn't really know them too well except his siblings, but it's kinda freaky. His sister Terri lives in Oklahoma...apparently her son-in-law came home and found his wife (her daughter, my dad's niece) dead on the floor. I haven't heard what happened to her, maybe they'll do an autopsy...just kinda freaky. She was only 32...but I guess she also had a bad past.

What have I learned? Life is short...live it the best you can everyday.

To worry or not worry...that is the question.

2005-09-08T21:40:00.000-07:00

My mom called me tonight...she went to the doctor today. She called to warn me that she would be going to have a MRI on Monday. Apparently she has had a lump in the back of her leg for quite sometime and now it has reached the point where it hurts if she walks too much, it hurts when she is sitting, it hurts when she tried to sleep at night, it pretty much hurts all the time. She is having the MRI Monday and meeting with an orthoscopic doctor on Wednesday.

It's funny how your parents tell you stuff like this and you try to just block it out like "oh...I didn't just hear that maybe something is wrong with you." Truth is I have been waiting for something to happen to one of my parents...I hope this isn't it. I might make my mom out to seem like a hard ass meany sometimes, but really she is a good person, and I honestly don't know what I would do without her.

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the words..."I found a lump".....to me the first thing that comes to mind is cancer. She said it's been there for quite awhile...to me that says..."it has had time to mulitipy and grow.'' I"m already kicking into worry mode until I hear the results of the MRI.

So...those of you who read this...could you say a little prayer for my mom this weekend and that the lump is nothing. Jules and Bec you have done so well with your moms being sick...I don't know how you are so strong. If something ever were to happen I know I can count on you to be there for me...I LOVE YOU GALS! I'm just worrying for nothing I hope.

What have I learned? Just when things seem better...a knew curve ball might get thrown in.

Is it Friday Yet?

2005-09-08T21:28:00.000-07:00

It's been a pretty busy week at work. I stayed on top of all the reports daily and dealt with a really obnoxious biller the last two days...atleast I won in the end =-)

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday. No big plans for tomorrow...just work, work out, and probably watch some movies we rented. Saturday is the AIDS Walk in Seattle and Courtney Brosiers wedding. Yes Becca...you would know her...she came to Mann when we were freshman...short, blonde hair, kinda pudgy, glasses, played volleyball with us at Mann and at Lakes. If her name doesn't ring a bell you'd recognize her in our volleyball picture. I don't really want to go to the wedding, but I will because she came to mine and I might get to see some people. Afterwards Chris and I might go to a movie or just lay low. Sunday is church and grandparents day, so I am going to make chicken pot pies and deliver them to all the grandparents Kylee has.

My good friend Jules is going away for the weekend to Chelan...HAVE FUN and DO NOT STRESS! Just have fun hanging out with your friend and family...make it the best time!

Playing catch up

2005-09-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

So who's getting married on Saturday? Would I remember them?

Sounds like the house situation has worked itself out! :) What a blessing! Leasing to own is an option we looked at pretty seriously...the owner of our new house was going to do that. It would have made things nice to transition with -- just like you mentioned -- that's for sure!

I do wish I could be there to help ya out -- didn't nearly do that enough when I lived closer... We could help each other with houses if that were the case! :)

Oh...my sister's wedding was wonderful this past weekend! She made a beautiful bride -- and her man is a good one! They're honeymooning down by the Mayan Ruins in Mexico. Not fair, but with all of the hurricane action down there...hmm...

Feels Like Monday

2005-09-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

Today totally felt like Monday, as does tonight. Not much of an exciting day...worked, took care of my baby girl, went to the gym, made dinner, cleaned up, did some laundry, picked up toys, the usual stuff.

I think one of my friends is mad at me because I didn't make it to her daughters party on Saturday. She didn't say a word to me until I spoke to her first via instant message late this afternoon. It sounded like the party went well, with the exception of her parents-in-law from hell in town from Texas. I guess she isn't too mad...atleast she was saying something.

How sad is it that I am 25 and ready for bed at 9:30pm...pretty sad if you ask me...but I guess that's what happens when you go go go all day long everyday almost.

I have been feeling better...mood wise the last few days...that is a good sign...especially for Chris. I rearranged my work space for a change of scenery and cleaned up some stuff that was bugging me just sitting there in the house. I am committing to working out at the gym five nights a week whether Chris likes it or not...I feel good about that.

This Saturday an old friend/aquaintence is getting married that I knew in high school. I'm not really looking forward to going anymore...but I might get to see some people I haven't seen in awhile....which might be good, might be bad, never know. I'm just sitting here thinking...hmm...I gotta get them a gift and I need something to wear. I'll have to rummage through the closet tomorrow and see what is there.

The Life Long AIDS Alliance AIDS Walk is this Saturday at Volunteer Park on Capital Hill in Seattle. My mom and I walked in it in 2000 and 2001 then missed a few years, but now we are getting back into it. We like to keep my Uncle Kelly's spirit going in the walk since he very much believed we should fight in the battle to fight AIDS. It's hard to believe he has been gone for 6 years. Wow...crazy.

What have I learned? Sometimes you think you have put hurt and pain away for good...then something comes along and it seems so real again.

Sleepy Sleep

2005-09-04T21:14:00.000-07:00

I am so tired.

Julia came down yesterday to hang out. We did a little shopping at the mall, grabbed a bite to eat from the Olive Garden then headed back to my house for some games with Chris and Josh. They spent the day hunting in Pleasant Valley and were actually up for playing Clue with us. For some reason I have been wanting to play Clue, so I picked it up from Toys-R-Us. I think Chris likes to play cause he wins a lot...yes he won the first two games.

After a couple games of Clue we played Texas Hold Em...Julia was the winner of the night...then we played some more Clue...I think Julia won two times and me once. Josh lost at cards and Clue...we kicked his butt all around I guess...ha ha. Oh well, I was just glad they played and were in decent moods.

After the boys went to bed Julia and I sat around and talked. We saw Kelly Clarkson perform on the VMAs...made me wonder how the concert will be on 9/13...hopefully better than it was on the show...then again she was the finale and was dancing all over, at ther concert she'll probably not try as hard.

Jules went home around 3:30am. I was soooo tired, but I was still awake at 4:00am. Kylee didn't get up until 9:00am, but I was still way tired. We ended up going out for breakfast at Hawks Prairie with Josh, then we all went grocery shopping at Freds and came home. Chris left at around 2:00pm to head to Tacoma so he could do a ride along with his dad (he is a reserve police officer in University Place). He's been wanting to go for quite some time, so today was the perfect days since he doesn't have to work tomorrow.

I spent the day rearranging my work area, organizing my desk drawers and the hallway closets cause I just felt they were all a mess. I work better when things are in order. I tried to nap but could not sleep. Kylee took a 3 and a half hour nap, so that was nice, and gave me time to clean up without her climbing on me. Josh spent the day outside working on his truck. Chris's mom came down to see Kylee and just chit chatted with me while I continued to organize.

My stepmom Diann called me crying because she and my dad got into a disagreement...and after throwing things and grabbing some of his stuff he stormed out of the house. He is so stupid. He has a nice woman that loves him and all he does is make her feel like crap. He was mad because she was going to babysit her granddaughters. He just doesn't understand how important family is and I don't think he ever will. I hope she is doing better...I felt so bad for Diann. My dad called later...he was back at home...but Diann was gone over babysitting the girls at their house. I hope they work things out.

I just put Kylee to bed and started watching Monster-In-Law...so far it's pretty funny. I think I'll grab the Pledge and go watch the rest while I clean my room...it's a disaster. Tomorrow I'll tackle the living room, bathroom, and Kylee's bedroom. If it's nice maybe we'll take Kylee down by the waterfront or something. I really missed Chris while he was gone today...I'm used to him being home on Sundays. I'm glad he went to spend quality time with his dad, they don't do that very often.

Shawshank Redemption was on today...one of Mr. Alba's favorite movies. What did you do this weekend?

What did I learn? I do love my husband even though he can be a punk...cause he puts up with me when I am being a royal pain in the booty...and that is often.

T.G.I.F.

2005-09-02T08:53:00.000-07:00

Thank God it is FRIDAY! It's been a long week. I am looking forward to having 3 days off. This summer has gone by in a flash. We have had something we had to do almost every weekend. Tomorrow Chris and Josh are going hunting and I have all day to do whatever I want...just me and Kylee. I have to take Chris's sister to work, then I think we'll go to Target and Wal-Mart and just take our time looking at stuff. I need to get some picture frames for all these pictures sitting around.

Jules is coming down on Saturday evening to go to church with me and then have some dinner and play some games and cards with me and boys (bring your money girl so I can win it all from you). HA! Yeah right...probably the reverse.

On Sunday and Monday we have no plans. I really want to rearrange some furniture (cause if you know me, you know I like to do that often), clean my room, maybe rearrange Kylee's room, work on a scrapbook, put photos in albums, just whatever I want to do. I told Chris maybe we'll go play 9 holes of golf or go to the driving range on Sunday or something. I should go see my dad, maybe I'll swing by there before Jules comes down on Saturday.

We were talking all last night about the things we would love to do to the house to make it nicer...now we just gotta save up the cash. Have a great weekend!

Too good to be true

2005-09-01T22:09:00.000-07:00

First...sorry for being crabby earlier...I feel much better now =-)

I got tired of thinking about how much the landlords would want to sell this house to us for, cause I had no idea, so I just went ahead and called them. After some discussion with Mr. Unroe and telling him what the houses around us were selling for that were somewhat similar to this one, he said he would be comfortable selling it to us for $190K. WOO HOO! YES! HOMEROOM FOR THE RYANS! Finally...something is going good...now let's just hope and pray the furnace doesn't break for the septic doesn't need to be pumped or something.

We have lived in this house almost 3 years...we know what it needs to look better and now we can do all the things we have wanted to...plus Chris can finally get a dog and we can bring Nolan (our cat who has been at my mom's almost 5 years) home where we are. Yeah! Now we are wondering how Nolan will do moving here since he is used to mom's house.

To sum it up...the landlord has already contacted his lawyer to draw up a contract and we should be the homeowners by October 1 with no money out of pocket...and our rent will only go up about $300...but atleast we know we are putting money towards a house and not just wasting it on rent. Of course we have to get homeowners insurance and now we will pay the property taxes...but that is okay, we are building equity now.

We have so many ideas how to make this house better. I told Chris my favorite store is now going to be Home Depot or Lowes =-) I know Jules won't mind going shopping with me..RIGHT!

What did I learn today? When things look down, there is always something to bring it up.

Irritations

2005-09-01T14:42:00.000-07:00

It's one of those afternoons where I feel like everyone is against Amber. I am already irritated with my job because of the crappy raise I got yesterday...atleast to me it is...but it's probably just reality. I was doing okay today, but then Kylee was hanging on my chair, the phone was ringing, my head is throbbing, I'm tired, I need to go to the gym, but all I wanna do is curl up and hide somwhere. I started crying a little bit ago cause I am just plain frustrated. I was doing okay this week...then today I just feel the need to get out of this house and into the office...which just leads to anger about not being able to afford childcare. I can't win.

What did I learn? Nothing...cause that's the kind of crabby mood I am in.

Hold Up

2005-09-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

Now things are changing in the house department. After looking at what is out there in our price range for sale the past few days, we are thinking twice about this house thing. We are in a fairly decent house...needs some carpet, paint, etc., serious decorating, but so will most houses in our price range...the only difference is we know this house, we know the things that need to be fixed and updated, and we know what we have wanted to do to the place if it wasn't just a rental. After looking in Tacoma we were pretty set on knowing we'd be staying in Lacey.

So...both our mom's suggested asking the landlords if they would be interested in doing a lease to own. And don't ya know we hate admitting when our mom's are right...but I did call the landlords and they were very willing to do a lease to own because they know us and they know we take good care of this house. Basically they act as a bank and rather than sending them a rent check every month...the money we send them totally goes towards the interest and principal on the house. The landlords have had this house for quite some time, so much of what we pay would be going towards principal. The Unroe's (landlords) had already told us they were thinking of selling next year, which is another reason they are game for this, they want less responsibility for the place, but they are willing to carry the contract and act as the bank. I think they see us as good young kids and don't mind helping us out.

So now, the question becomes, how much is this house worth? We still have to draw up a contract kinda like a buyer and a bank would do...just no closing or real estate agent costs. He said he'd give us the same interest rate as what they just refinanced the house for...somewhere in the mid 6% range...which we are happier with because it's better than what we were pre-approved for. Assuming all goes well they'd have a lawyer draw up a contract and then we'd have a lawyer check it over. Now we just sit and ponder on what the place is worth and how much will they ask?? We are hoping and praying it is below $225K just to spare us a little change in the pocket.

What have a I learned? Darn it...sometimes your mom is right =-)

Things that make you go hmm....

2005-08-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

I spoke with Andrew late this afternoon, he had received the paperwork I sent him yesterday and "crunched the numbers" before 5:00pm, as he stated, and said we were definately pre-approved for the home loan. Good news...then it all got kind of scary...after speaking to him as time passed things go scary...buying a home seems like such a huge thing.

We decided to take a drive to Lakewood and Tacoma only to realize we were not willing to live in the areas where homes would be affordable to us, which means we'll probably stay down in the Olympia/Lacey/Tumwater area a few more years, then possibly purchase a home in University Place or stay down here.

I was searching online at homes in our area and found it's going to be tough. Homes don't even have a photo listed and they are already pending inspection and still listed as new on the market. It's crazy. I guess we'll have to be patient and pray the right house comes along. We drove by one we found online yesterday only to see it is now pending inspection...it would have been perfect, except it was only 3 bedrooms, but that's probably what we'll get for what we can afford.

What did I learn? Being an adult is sometimes scary.

The ball is rolling...

2005-08-30T09:15:00.000-07:00

The ball is rolling...pretty much Chris and I applied for a home loan yesterday. And now is where you go "Amber! You were just talking about not knowing if you married the right guy, and now you are going to buy a home with him!" I guess deep down inside of me I know I would never give up on my relationship with Chris. We have been through too much together and I know we love each other deeply. We just need a little renewal every now and then. Life gets to be such a habit sometimes in marriage.

The last two days have been pretty good...as far as with Chris. Maybe it was severe PMS last week...I dunno...or raging hormones cause of the mess up with my pills. I guess I have to realize to ask for help with Kylee and stuff around the house rather than letting my anger grow and grow until I reach the point where I can't stand him or blow up. Chris has been the same way since I have known him, he does very little unless asked to do it (just like his father). I need a way to break him of his father's ways. His parents have been married 27 years and I know his mom isn't happy...she just thinks 27 years is too much to throw away on divorce...sad that's how she feels...she could spend another 27 years with him feeling the same way. I will not let my marriage come to that, atleast I try to make things better, just takes a little storm in my brain to make me see...then I "attempt" to fix things.

So, back to the house thing. The mortage guy (Andrew) said we are in excellent shape to qualify for some programs with 80/20 loans...which basically means one loan is 80% at a lower interest rate and the remainging 20% is a higher interest rate. Our credit isn't the best in the west as some of you know, but we do qualify for some programs, which was good news to us. Andrew thought a ballpark figure we could be approved for was $300,000. That is fine and dandy, but there is no way we can afford the house payment on a $300,000 home. He said a $235,000 home would be approximately $1879 a month with home insurance and property taxes estimated and included...even that is too high...so assuming we do get approved...we need to find a place probably under $200,000.

Finding a home under $200,000 is a whole issue in itself. We all know the market is crazy right now with the prices of homes going up and up. Homes we looked at 3 years ago costing $100,000 are now selling for almost $200,000. We would like a 4 bedroom, 2 bath home so it gives us some room to grow. We are aware that the first house we buy is not going to be where we live forever, it's going to be a starter that needs a little TLC...we figure somewhere we can live about five years.

Next problem...there are no 4 bedroom 2 bath homes in the Lacey/Olympia area under $200,000. There are some 3 bedroom 2 bath online now, and some are okay, but I am really pushing this 4 bedroom thing. Our roomie Josh is going to stay with us for probably another year or two, so we need a room for him and another for an office or baby room if we have another baby. Some people think we are crazy for keeping our roomie around, but really it does not bother us most of the time. Yes, we have days where we wish he were gone, but for the most part it's okay and helps us with the cost of things...and he's like an uncle to Kylee.

So, this leaves us with the possibility of moving back to Tacoma for a few years...however Chris is highly opposed to this. He said it is really not where he wants to live, but then he gets frustrated because he knows I want to go back into the office and living there would make more sense then here if I do decide to go back into the office. He says he can't figure out if I am in a phase of wanting to live in Tacoma and start working in the office again, or is it something I truly want to do. I know I want to go back into the office, but the time has to be right, so I can't say when for sure. This frustrates us both because buying a house is a big thing...so where do we go? How do we decide?

The down part of Tacoma is the 4 bedroom homes under $200,000 are there...but they are not in what we would call the best parts of town. Chris thought about buying the house we are in from our landlords, but I think they will want over $200,000 because the house is on the golf course. I firmly said I do not want this house. I don't really like it and there are way too many things needing to be fixed...and we don't have the cash we'd need to fix it up. I am ready for a change of scenery anyways from this house. So...Chris did agree to atleast look at the 4 bedroom homes in Tacoma...just to see how "ghetto" they might be or might not be.

We overnighted some documents to Andrew for him to review and process so he can submit a loan application to some lenders for us. He said we were in excellent shape based on what I told him and based on our credit report. So, it seems as though we could have an approval letter in our hands within days. It seems really scary and exciting all at once to know we could be purchasing our first home. I also know that if we feel like it's not the right time to buy then we won't either...but the ball is rolling.

What did I learn for this blog? There is a light at the end of the darkest tunnels.

It's Monday

2005-08-29T15:47:00.000-07:00

Camping was okay this weekend...I kinda like this new place we tried out near Tumwater. The trip didn't start too good on Friday when we left as Chris and our roomie kept gloating over the fact that they were going to get to leave early on Saturday and I would be stuck there with his parents, aunt, and cousin. All it did was irritate me more that they were leaving in the first place to go to the races in Elma. Basically all Chris and I did was have attitudes with each other until he left on Saturday around noon.

We slept in the tent for the first time in a few years, wasn't so bad, we had a nice new big air mattress. Kylee slept in the pop up tent with my in-laws since there was a heater in there, but it wasn't too cold for us in the tent. Besides arguing with Chris it was a pretty good time. He had and our roomie had fun at the races. Chris said he was wishing I was with him cause he thinks I would have enjoyed it...maybe next year I'll go with. He was pretty nice most of yesterday, except being kinda tired. I felt better about "us" as a whole.

What did I learn this weekend? I can handle hanging out with my in-laws without my husband.

More thots

2005-08-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

Ambuh, I'm glad things are at least slowly becoming more clear. I've read what everyone has said and I think they're all on the right track. Encouraging you is the first step, of course, and standing up with you is the second. All of your friends love you (well, at least we know of at least 3 on this blog anyway... hehe!) and I bet all of them would support you in every way they could. Seek comfort in that.

I don't think it's wrong to wonder why your husband isn't doing what you think he ought to be. They told us in our marriage counseling sessions that those thoughts would probably surface -- it's because you're both raised differently; babbied differently, etc. So...what they suggested was to talk together and do our best to meet in the middle on everything: both sides give up something. Try not to turn it into anything condidtional, by forcing him to meet in the middle, because that will have the opposite effect. Just suggest a middle ground as carefully as possible that seems fair and ask him if he thinks it's fair or not. Like helping you pack. Say something like: "Once I'm finished ______, will you help me ______." That way he'll know to expect you when you're finished, and expect that he'll be doing something. That way you're also giving him a bit of time to prep himself for some work :)

A story to go along with the "having lunch with the opposite sex" thread. In high school, there was a girl that just absolutely LOVED Luke. No "ifs," "ands," or "buts" about it. She even thought at a point that they were getting married. All of this was news to Luke (who found all of this out after high school!). She's the controlling kind that has a hard time letting other people do things. Anyway. When Luke & I first started dating, I was told this story and others about her. Having heard of her before from some other people I knew at SPU, my hackles immediately went up and stayed that way for months. I had no reason to trust her. So. She calls Luke one day saying, let's grab lunch. Thankfully, Luke told me about it and here's what I told him: Now that we're together, "grabbing lunch" with someone of the opposite sex is tricky, I don't care who she is. Probably the best way to keep things clear between us is for you to make sure she's cool with me (kinda asking my permission, but also checking the level of the hackles!), or we both go. You can't just go out to lunch with her and assume things are okay. What would I think...that you'd rather be with her? So, he decided that we both were going. Worked for me -- it put the situation into his hands and he decided what he thought was best. (To be positive about the girl mentioned above...that lunch started a friendship that has grown to be one of the best ones I left behind in Seattle. It's amazing to me how prayer and a little thoughtfulness allowed God to take a bit of a sticky situation into a lasting friendship!)

So, have someone babysite Kylee (I'd do it, but it would be awhile before I got there!) and both you AND chris meet your friend your fave place. Have Chris make those decisions and talk with him about what your options can be. **And this goes for him too...meeting others from his side! Both of you go (or you okay it)!** Just make sure you're both completely open and satisfied about the whole thing! Then you can have a better relationship!

Oh...and as far as you not telling me things for whatever reasons you listed -- aren't good enough! :) I'm here for you (even long distance) to chat about anything. I may only have a year's worth of marriage under my belt, but at least I can encourage you with ideas and options that were given to us that seem to keep the communication open as best we can.

I love you girl and will continuously pray for ya. (Do your best to get Chris involved in some Bible Study with you! I bet that helps! Even get him to pick one out!!)

Miss ya, Bec

To the ladies in the room...

2005-08-26T17:01:00.000-07:00

Jules...I thought Kelly was pretty when I saw her for the first time, and to be honest I didn't know much ab0ut her when I asked her out. She just kept to herself and it turns out that was the way she was. After our little date she never said much to me except "hi". Then I started to date her friend (An entirely differnent situation...Which I believe you know or at least I think you do) and that turned out to be the time she tried to talk to me...That pissed me off so I pretty much just shut her out. I just never saw her personality come out which is totally fine but the only attraction to her was physical and that wansn't enough for me.

Eunice...Sorry to hear about your ex. Controlling relationships/friendships suck! I used to have a friend who used to put down his girlfriend in front of his friends...His way of letting her know that he wasn't afraid to "put her in check" whenever he felt like it. A bunch of shit if you ask me. Now she was kind of a space case at times but she was from from stupid. At times I wondered who was playing who, but then he started taking on the controlling role with his guy friends. I kid you not that if anyone was at his house, and talking on their own cell phone, he would ask who it was. He felt intitled because it was his house...I found that beyond comical. I don't talk to him anymore because I came to the conclusion that he's an idiot. I think he always knew that he wasn't the smartest guy in the bunch...It's a defense mechanism. If he can't be questioned he can't look stupid...It's that guy pride thing that gets in the way. There were five or six of us that used to hang out and last I heard there was only one left! I guess what gets me is that there are times when I talk to Amber and she'll say things that Chris does that remind me of my old friend. Now by no means am I saying Chris is that type of person because I've never met him. I only know what I hear from Amber and naturally my instincts are to protect her. I just don't think anyone should have to go down that road becuase once you go down it it's hard to come back.

Rebecca...I like the advice you gave on getting Chris to help Amber as far as talking goes. I took a class in college once on communication and to be honest I only remember one thing. To never use the word "you" in an argument. You know..."You" don't help with this..."You" don't help with that. Its better to say, "I need" help with this or "I need help with that". The word you is an accusation. If you get in a war of words and the first word said is you then that other person knows that every word after that is 100% pointing blame at them and at the same time riding yourself of any guilt. Human nature says to get defensive when we hear that so try to come at situations from a neutral standpoint...no fingerpointing or your asking for trouble and what ever arguement starts may be justified in the others mind.

What have I learned...Amber, you have some great friends!

Time for Camping

2005-08-26T15:38:00.000-07:00

I just signed off from work and now need to pack up Biker Boy, Kylee, and myself for the trip. It's only about 20 minutes from our house...which kinda makes it not feel like we are going anywhere special. When I think of camping I think of packing up and heading atleast an hour or two away...not 20 minutes. We couldn't find a spot for Labor Day weekend which is why we are settling for this. Our roomie is going with us too (Jules, we need a name for him too), but he won't be home until 5:00...so that should give me time.

I am feeling better about "stuff". Biker Boy is napping rather than helping me get things ready, but that is okay, cause otherwise he'd probably rush me or try and get into my pants since the baby is sleeping. Atleast this way I probably won't forget anything. I am a little irritated he is leaving the campground tomorrow to go to some race in Elma. "WE" made these plans with his parents to go camping...now he is leaving me with them almost all of tomorrow. My mom says it's cause I let our lives revolve around what Biker Boy wants and what makes Biker Boy happy. Unhappy Biker Boy makes my life miserable...probably why I give in so easy now days...I'd rather just shut him up than listen to him bitch. Anyways...I'll just spend some quality time with my little girl and play with her more than I get to during the week when I am working.

What have I learned today? God will never give us more than we can handle...what does that mean...it means I reached a boiling point this week and with the help of friends I am okay today. Thank you for your thoughts Jules, Eunice, Bec, and Mr. Alba. Blog ya later (yes, i am a dork).

Can't Sleep

2005-08-25T23:55:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep...so I snuck out of bed to blog. I find it hard to fall asleep lately, perhaps cause of all the junk on my brain. I went to the doctor today to discuss my birth control pills and how they are making me feel kinda crazy...stupid mail in pharmacy gave me some different generic junk and screwed me all up. Now I'll try the name brand I was on before to see if that helps. He said the headaches I have had for two weeks could be tension headaches...and from what he described, that pretty much hit the nail on the head as to how my headaches are (got one right now). My blood pressure was pretty good, I lost a few pounds (that is always good), but he did mention my thyroid was borderline issue last time they did blood work and if it is over the borderline now that could also be causing the headaches and hormone imbalance I seem to be going through. So, more blood work next week to check the thyroid. He asked me about life and what was stressing me out...I just kinda sighed and felt like..."where do I start"...and he said I might want to adjust things in life to help relieve some stress. Sure...as if that is so easy to do...I can try I guess.

Tonight I went to see "Four Brothers" with one of my best girlfriends, my husband, and our roomie. The new Regal theater opened up and the last three nights...you could see a movie for $1, and get popcorn and pop for a $1. Of course we park a half mile away and the shows are all sold out, so we went to the other theater for a movie. It was actually really funny...much better than I thought. Funny line sticking with me..."girl...put the koo koo back in the koo koo clock." It was good to see my friend...I missed her. We didn't get to talk much, but I know I'll talk to her tomorrow.

She and I did start an interesting conversation about having other platonic relationships outside of marriage. My husband and I have been together for 8 years...yet neither of us has had friends of the opposite sex...atleast not ones where we actually go hang with w/o the other being there. I was telling her how I'd like to have lunch or see Mr. Alba...since I do consider him a friend, but I don't think my hubbie would like that. I don't know how I'd feel about Chris wanting to go have lunch with a girl...who was just a friend...does that mean I don't trust him? I think part of me would be worried if I thought she was prettier than me, thinner than me, funnier than me, better than me, etc. If it was someone I know I'd probably be okay with it, but wonder what sparked his sudden desire to see this person. He knows of Mr. Alba from a few years back...but if I suddenly said I wanted to have lunch with him he would be suspicious and make little comments if we argued. He'd say "oh well you'd rather be with him wouldn't you" or "why don't you go be with him then"...etc...you catch my drift. Now granted...my hubbie probably doesn't realize the extent of the feelings I once had for this Mr. Alba...but the fact is I am a married woman and would not betray him...I just want to have lunch with the friend I miss. Is that a crime?

What have I learned from this blog? Hmm...sometimes life doesn't turn out like you thought it would...so do you keep living it...or do you tweek whats wrong...and what if what is wrong is what you have known for so long???

Hey...

2005-08-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

So, you like the name, huh? I always tell my friends that if I ever met her I would take her last name if she wanted to...haha! But, you never know. You remember Kelly Christman? I always thought she was attractive and then I went on a date with her...WORST DATE EVER! It's wierd how personality effects looks becuase she was almost instantly unattractive to me. I couldn't get a conversation out of her if I tried. Just nothing going on upstairs...That is VERY unattractive to me.

As far as what I wrote...Well, you don't have to thank me for it (Even though I know you probably will). I know it's easy for your friends to think that Chris isn't the ideal husband which is understandable as we are naturally going to come to your aid. We also only hear your side of things so it is natural to be biased. That being said I still would love for you to start doing things for you. I guess the only examples I can give are from my parents. They've been married for 30 years and they have their own lives. Not once have I ever seen my Dad make my Mom feel guily for going somewhere that makes her feel good. She goes to Curves a lot because she has low self esteem and that is within her comfort zone. She's not going for my Dad because I know he loves the woman he married no matter how she looks. She goes for her. They each have their "releases". She gardens and he goes fishing. So, how about you and Chris? Chris has his toys and what do you have? Besides Kylee and making sure the family "working". What to you do BY YOURSELF to let go?

You know that I am just a phone call or email away. I will be there for you for the rest of my life or better yet the rest of yours...You know I love you!!!

Mr. Alba

I Love My Friends

2005-08-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

I love my friends...they always say things that make me think...especially about the frustrations I previoulsy listed. My friends make me feel special and loved, they make me realize I am not alone in this big world. At the same time it makes me sad to know my husband would probably read my list of frustrations, tell me I was silly, and go on with watching whatever TV show he was into at the moment. Don't get me wrong...there are times where he listens and takes me serious, however if he read the things I wrote about him specifically he'd probably get mad. How do I shake him to make him realize the way he acts sometimes is only going to hurt our relationship as time progresses. We've been together almost 8 years...I can't just give up...although sometimes I have to admit I think that would be easier...but I try not to be a quitter.

Thank you for your kind words Bec. I guess I have never gone into detail with you about my frustrations because I didn't want to always be sounding like a downer. I got a lot from your comments...I even printed it out to keep around for inspiration. God has become a very important part of my life within the past year...something kind of new for me. I had always believed in God, but he has taken on a new role in my life that did not exist before. Chris, however, is not following me on my journey to learn more and develop a relationship with God. He supports me, but doesn't go to church with me unless I beg or I don't have to go to dismissal. (Dismissal is part of my Cathechumen class...we leave half way through mass before everyone else takes communion and we go talk about the readings of the day). If I didn't leave for that he'd go, but he doesn't want to sit alone (if he put Kylee in childcare) and he isn't comfortable sitting there alone with Kylee either cause she'd crawl all over and he'd get mad. So...church is a battle I choose not to fight about with Chris. I have been going to Cathechumen classes since April and I absoluetely love it. I love the community. I love what I am learning. I love the relasthionships forming. I don't think I'd have the glimmer of hope without it. I know God is listening to me groan during the times when I can't put my frustrations into words. I said a prayer last night...and I just kinda told God I am putting it in his hands, cause he knows how to help me. You are very lucky Bec, to have a husband who prays with you and shares your faith.

As far as opening up to Chris...I did about a few things last night...which I try to do...just gotta catch him at the right time. I told him I really want to work in the office again and that I really think I want to move closer to our mom's in Pierce County. He seemed to be okay with both ideas, but there were stipulations...of course. I wish he felt the pressure of making sure everyone in his house was happy and things were going okay...he leaves that to me. I am the one who makes sure this house is "working". I can't even get him to wash my car...he just asks for money to run it through the car wash. He has spurts of helping, but for the most part I feel like his mommy sometimes...he doesn't do anything unless told to. It makes me sad to read the things I put down about Chris...cause I make him sound like a bad husband...then I sit and wonder...is he a bad husband and I just can't admit that. The second I type something bad I am already thinking of how to defend the bad behavior...I think that has become a habit. So...do I stop defending him and make him responsible?

I love you too Jules! You have been listening to my groans for years and always try to offer up the best advice you can. If you stay in Lakewood and we end up back there I think it just might help me with tackling some of my frustrations about not getting to do things I want to do...until then I'll just have to drive to Lakewood. I feel the desire to go hiking lately...maybe because nature is so awesome when you think about it...closer to God in a way. We should give it a try!

To Mr. Alba...oh my geez louise...what's up with the name...you aren't finding Jessica on here...but I'll let it slide =-) Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes when I have a bad day in the mirror I think of you saying "go-juss" and smile...then I don't feel so bad. Our friendship has had an interesting journey, but no matter where we are it will always remain strong. Hopefully someday our paths will meet again...until then we can talk on the phone while you go to Mc Donalds for your co-workers anytime.

What have I learned for this blog? I didn't learn that I love my friends or that I have great friends...cause I already knew that (tee hee)...but I did learn it's okay to share everything, whether it be in the form of written down words or tears, your friends will always be there to listen or wipe your tears...even if they've heard it all before.

Rebecca's Ramblings

2005-08-24T10:10:00.000-07:00

My dearest Amber, I read through your list of frustrations and about had tears falling down my face. I'm truly sorry that so many things are not working well for you. You've never admitted those things to me and now I feel like the friend who never did anything. My heart is breaking that your self esteem is apparently so low. I miss you my friend and I wish I could run down to Olympia and hug you until we both can't breathe anymore!!!

I will be praying for you -- that many of these frustrations can be taken care of. Talk with Chris and see if he'd be willing to pray with you. Luke and I try to pray every evening (dinner doesn't count) together to bring up our thoughts. We may pray about the same things, but that's okay. Open your heart up to Chris and tell him your frustrations. He is your husband after all. He may come home after a long days' work, but gently remind him that he also has the responsibility of a wife and a child. He's to be the head of that household and he needs to know the pressure is on him to make sure everyone is happy and going okay! If he doesn't seem to want this responsibility, you may need to find counseling at your church and have both of you go. It's a team effort and you both need to be willing to make it work. Especially when it comes to Kylee.

As far as other items...you mentioned that you don't feel you're getting to all of your interests (including the gym). Start a new trend and just do them!!! I know it seems hard to do, but if you are passionate about any of them, don't hurt yourself by not doing them. If Chris won't do them with you, find other ladies/guys that will. If Chris mentions that he feels left out, then tell him to join you. :) Yes, you are one with your husband, but you are a free woman in the effect that you are allowed to do what you want. Find other females to do stuff with...find a gym buddie who will go and support you in your efforts. Find someone to keep you accountable to the food you eat, etc, so you can try to lose some weight...someone who will caringly ask; not nag.

Try to get involved in a Bible study...it can be in the evening. Maybe there's a cool one that has child care so that both you and Chris can go.

I know it sounds kinda silly, but the more we put Christ first, the more things seem to line up and get in order. We've found that to be true with our move and me finding a job and Luke with school and us hopefully finding a house. We even prayed just last night that we would hear something soon about what we're to do with the house. Luke got a call this morning from Honeywell (he's still working part-time for them) asking about a potential RIF and if he wanted to be included in it. That would give us more than we were hoping for - to help with increasing our down payment. We still have to wait and see about how much we can afford for the monthly payment, but that's in God's hands! It's hard to have the faith, but we know He's going to take care of us and give us the desires of our hearts -- especially when we're doing our best to stay in His steps of where He wants us to go. To do that, we continually pray for confidence.

So, now that I'm off my soapbox, I just want to let you know that I'm here for you girl!!!

Bec

Frustrations

2005-08-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

I have sort of figured out this blog thing...sort of meaning, now I want to change the background and can't seem to find where to do that. Let's just add that to my frustrations of the day. Speaking of those frustrations...let's list them.

1. I have been really moody lately and can't seem to figure out what I need to do to snap out of it. Serioulsy...I have so much anger built up and I can't get to the bottom of what is causing it.
2. I was listing my interests for this blog and realized I really never make time for my interests...why is that...that frustrates me.
3. I think I want to move back to Pierce County...maybe Lakewood, Tacoma or University Place, but it's frustrating because it is a big change from where we have been for almost 3 years...but Lakewood is home. I'm torn because the schools in Olympia are better for our daughter, but UP would be okay. My husband is against moving back...he thinks it will cost way more. We drive back to Tacoma so much to see our moms it would probably equal out with gas prices.
4. My dad frustrates me. He always has to make you feel bad about stuff cause his opinion is basically the only one that counts. He always has to be right...and he has this charming way of making you think that. I think my husband is scared of what my dad will say if we move back to Tacoma...that's why he doesn't want to...scared of what father-in-law will say.
5. I work from home for a dialysis company...have for just over two years...and I am itching to go back into the office. I was there today and yearned to be back amongst the people and day to day of business life. I love my daugther...I love that I was able to be with her the first year of her life, but I don't want to be here forever. I am frustrated that daycare costs so much, that is the only thing keeping me at home.
6. I am frustrated I cannot move up in the company because I am stuck at home. Then I feel bad for saying "stuck" at home cause I feel it somehow implies I don't enjoy being with my daugther everyday...but that's not it...I can't move up at home...and less face it...I like to be an achiever and to better myself and I am not doing that working from home.
7. I'm frustrated about my weight...what's new? I don't think my family and friends realize what an emotional stress that is on me, how I act, who I am, and what I am becoming. I have terrible self esteem. I think my face is okay...I'm not fugly, but I hate the body I see when I look in the mirror. I hate that I can't get control of my weight, it has spiraled out of control since I graduated from high school over 7 years ago. It just goes up and up and up. I was the highest I ever was the day I had my daughter and I have only lost 14lbs since she was born just a over a year ago. ..that is sad. I don't want to live my life as the fat mommy. I want to be able to ride the rides at the fair with my friends or husband without being squished in the seat. I want to be a "trophy wife", someone my husband is proud to walk next to...not that he isn't, but I want him to be like "ya...that's my hot wife" and I am far from that. Why can't I just eat right and get my butt into that gym. I feel like I am abandoning my husband when I go to the gym...maybe that's the problem...he makes me feel guilty without really trying, or do I just make that up and use it as an excuse. What is wrong with me?
8. I love my husband, but it frustrates me he isn't more romantic and just thinks even though he sits on his butt all evening and barely pays attention to our daugther and me that I should just give him what he wants when he wants it.
9. I'm frustrated with money. Why do we have to work so hard and never seem to get ahead...is life going to be like this forever? We want to buy a house, but have to wait until some debt is paid off. It's our own fault, but is it always going to be so hard.
10. I'm frustrated about being so frustrated with so many things. Life was so much easier when I was just a kid playing with My Little Ponies or playing house. Who knew real life house was so much work.
11. I'm frustrated friends I had in the past can't be my friends now because of things that have been said and done in the past. The past seems to haunt us all sometimes...will that ever end? I have a really good friend who is a guy that I would love to be a bigger part of my life, but my husband would not like him to be in my life because he is associated with someone he rather not discuss. However, the two are no longer associated...but in my husbands mind they will always be linked. Plus...when I really think about it...I don't think my husband would trust me hanging out with this guy friend...maybe someday my husband will get over it and I can be friends with this guy friends, cause he's pretty awesome. He was there for me in tough times and we have been friends even when we've been absent.

As you can see...I have a lot of frustrations...now I need to review this list over and over and see what I can do to make things better. Maybe just listing them is a start.

What have I learned after this blog? I think I've learned that maybe I am not being my true self...and maybe that's why I am so frustrated. I miss you sparky.

Let's try this blog thing

2005-08-23T21:25:00.000-07:00

So...I thought I would begin my very own blog page. I'm not very computer literate...but thus far it seems easy enough. Two of my very good friends have started these blogs and I find it to be a good way to see what is going on in there life when we don't have time to pick up the phone...cause as we all know...life is busy busy...and sometimes ya just learn something new by reading the blogs.

I've always tried to keep a journal, but found I didn't have enough time or simply was too tired to write all my thoughts down at bed time. Sitting at the computer to jot stuff down seems like a much better idea. You should have told me to do this before Jules =-)

I think I'll end each entry by stating something I learned that day or for that post.

What did I learn today? I learned it's okay to get older...cause your friendships just grow stronger with time...trust me I know...I've got one going on 20 plus years and I think we are closer than ever. We've known each other since kindergarten, seen each other through all kinds of phases of life, heartache, arguements, dealt with "dirty birdies" (still dealing with), relationships, and so much more. After all this time we are still there for each other no matter what. We've had our good and bad times through the years...but through thick and thin we are there for each other...and it will always be that way, can't imagine my life without her.